Thursday, June 26

Adjusting my Junk

I added an additional e-mail address at work this week, and I'm still trying to teach my mail app. how to manage junk mail.

I get two types of junk mail.
1.) Offers of discount rates on luxury watches.
2.) Bargain rates on penis extension pills.

Now, I don't want the nice people at Blogger blocking this site (besides my Mother reads this blog), but the penis pill mails seem to be written by either a retarded haiku poet, or the same guy who writes the Nigerian banking fraud faxes.

Some examples:
  • Beef your package up with more inches.
  • A key from her bedroom is in your pants.
  • Get armed with huge love cannon.
  • Gigantic dimension is a great power - Let more blood flow into your tool.
  • Gain more and more self-reliance as your dimension grows!
  • Make your love wand function better.
  • More dimension and vigor for your love tool
  • Get your love gun appreciated at its true value!
  • Your peers will envy your new dimension!
  • More massive love luger.
  • Saturday, June 21

    Tool of the Day

    The young girl who nearly knocked me over this morning as I lazily walked through my neighborhood.

    Driving a Honda Civic (while talking on her cell phone) she thought it was OK to drive the wrong way down a One-Way street ... because she was in reverse.

    Friday, June 20

    I Abandoned My Child!

    Just finished watching the brilliant There Will Be Blood.

    Now I cannot stop doing my impression of Daniel Plainview. Although he is a turn of the century US oil man, it seems that Daniel Day-Lewis just does a booming English Victorian accent.

    Although I am English, I've noticed that when I do an English accent I expect to be praised like a puppy who has learned not to pee on the rug.

    Still, Day-Lewis is excellent. People seem to like the milkshake quote, but I prefer this clip.

    Thursday, June 19

    Karmic

    A few weeks ago Anne mentioned a news article that said UPS have saved 3 million gallons of gas by setting their US drivers' routes so that they only turn right. The elimination of left turns saves time and therefore increases efficiencies.

    So I was delighted when one of their bastard brown trucks made a left turn in front of me today, causing me to slam full on my brakes. I don't see how me and my car splattered on their truck will save them money?

    Wednesday, June 18

    The Art of Ventriloquism

    I'm slowly mastering every single expletive I know without moving my lips ... which is handy when I Drive-thru' the astonishingly perky Starbucks near where I work.

    Gastards!!

    Monday, June 16

    Hey! Don't worry, you can watch The Bucket List

    Flew to Ohio on Friday but spent 3.5 hours on the tarmac at Boston waiting for a thunderstorm to pass. Served with warm water and a bag of mini pretzels. Subjected to the Nicholson/Freeman vehicle The Bucket List ... sometimes in Spanish. Bueno!

    Finally got to the hotel at midnight.

    Caught a bit of A Face in the Crowd on Saturday night. It features the great line "Just let the vermouth, kiss the gin". I need to watch the whole of this movie. Not so bothered about The Bucket List ...

    Thursday, June 12

    Sébastien Tellier

    The French entry in Eurovision was by far my favorite. The female backing singers wore Ray-bans and fake beards. Sébastien Tellier is what Jarvis Cocker would sound/look like if he grew a beard and 'let himself go' a whole lot. Awesome performance (they finished a commendable 19th).

    Wednesday, June 11

    Europeans

    Next time someone tries to pull the "Europeans are so sophisticated ..." line, remind them of the Eurovision Song Contest. Among the other memorable entries were:

    Ukraine - Shady Lady (all you need to know)


    Bosnia
    Insane Vincent Gallo/Helena Bonham Carter look-a-likes


    Azerbaijan
    Jay Manuel dressed as an angel. Devil dude throwing blood onto a scantily clad woman. Brilliant!!


    Georgia - Blind woman (with costume change!)

    Sunday, June 8

    TW3 (that was the week that was)

    Nice Asp
    Spotted a woman leant against a store front in Harvard talking to a cop. She looked high as a kite but in a strangely alluring way. As I walked past I noticed she had a brightly colored snake coiled around her wrist and up her arm.

    Freak Show

    Went to see Lewis Black doing a book promo. In line I'm ashamed to say I could not take my eyes off of the albino Megadeth fan stood before me. Her male companion looked at least 250lb heavier than her, and sported a scar from his ear, past his neck and down under his T-Shirt. Behind me stood 3 ginger kids, who had probably spent about 12 minutes in the sun that day and were therefore the color of a fire engine.

    39 women per dude
    The ratio in the cinema for Sex and the City on Sunday night

    Thursday, June 5

    BF, New York

    Nice people here but they treat outsiders with a touch of curiosity. During a break from work, went for ice cream at the fantastically named Gilligan's Island.
    Went to the counter and said "A scoop of Choc Chip in a cup please" You would think I'd ordered a fish tank and a new set of tires. Also the bastards forgot my sprinkles/jimmies/ants or whatever the hell they call them out here. In England we call them 'hundreds-and-thousands'. So there.

    Animal watch: Skunks, a family of chipmunks, dear, eagles. Happily no cougars!

    Crazy gas pipe watch: Painted to look like a sandwich.
    So I extended my stay to Thursday, and reached the airport for my 5.30pm flight with plenty of time to spare. Went through security stood behind a woman named Autumn. She seemed normal, but her family treated her like an idiot. Maybe it was the first time she had traveled because they kept shouting instructions like, "Walk forward" and "Don't throw your boarding pass away".

    Arrived at the gate to be told that because of bad weather the flight was delayed 4 hours. Noticed the college girl from my flight out, she said "Hi". No sign of the eye rapist. Spoke to Anne about the delay, and as I got off the phone the dude next to me started asking me questions about the content of my call. By the third question I said, "Could you at least pretend I was making a private call?" He screwed up his face in a douche-ish manner.

    2 hours earlier than expected we boarded the plane bound for Boston. I guess small planes can approach the airport from a different route, because we flew over the North End of Boston at a lower height than the buildings in the financial quarter. Flew over the docks and banked a hard left. Out of the window I could see runway - REAL CLOSE. The plane straightened up and landed at the same time. Top Gun stuff! Strangely quiet as we all held our breath.

    Tuesday, June 3

    Guess where I am

    That's right folks. Middle of Nowhere, in upstate New York.

    To be honest I was expecting to hate it, but the town of Hamilton has pulled me in with its charm. It's one of those sleepy towns, that manages to house both a liberal arts college and a bunch of God fearing puritans.

    In no particular order I've seen a deer, a dixie jazz trio, rabbits and a hotel receptionist whose dress went out of fashion in 1847.

    That I'm here at all is a miracle considering the GPS unit thought I was in Rockland, Massachusetts for the first 20 minutes of my drive from Syracuse airport.

    I always considered this to be the creepy sounding Finger Lakes region, but I'm told it is actually the Leatherstocking region.

    Obviously I stand corrected.

    Flight here was a delight. A 12 seat prop plane.

    In the seat in front of me was a cute College girl, to her right on the other side of the aisle was a Cornell educated plastics salesman who toggled between eye raping the young girl and talking to me about how great his company is doing.

    It's my fault of course. I was using my iPhone and reading Wired so he considered me to be "all tech'd up". The hour felt like three, I swear it was like running in sand being chased by someone really boring. At one point I sneezed and wanted to use the line "I'm allergic to twats."

    I'm here for a few days of work, and I'm quite looking forward to it.

    Monday, June 2

    Extras

    Saturday on the train to New York I saw a blind Goth. I admired the young woman's commitment to her cause. It cannot be easy applying eyeliner and lipstick when you are blind (although Robert Smith of The Cure can see and his always looks shite). Sadly her Guide Dog was the usual Golden Lab - would have been good if she had dyed it black.

    On Sunday I read Michael Tolliver Lives, the book from which Armistead Maupin read on Friday. Good easy read. A rare literary recommendation from me!