Saturday, April 4

The Citizenship Test

So yes. I took my test at the same time a guy in Upstate New York was shooting similar people. In Boston, you have to go through a metal detector, and indeed the guy in front of me had a knife.

But let's focus on the positive, or better yet the inane.

I aced my Civics Test. No wrong answers. I felt like a smug student who'd just won a Gold Run on Blockbusters*. Next I had to read a sentence. Nailed. It. And then I had to write, Lincoln was President during the Civil War. Look at me everybody. Writing Shit!

* I will be forever a teenage Englishman of the 80s.

Next I went to a big ol' room of people waiting for the next round. This was where the crazies sat, including.

1. Guy in a Cosa Nostra sweatshirt (not the Jeffrey Sebelia range)
2. Guy in a "Thy will be judged" religious sweatshirt
3. Chick in a Frida Kahlo T-Shirt. Awesome painter, but also a Communist sympathizer, and a sexual partner of Trotsky

But the pièce de résistance was the Indian guy wearing a 9.11 T-Shirt. Showing the Twin Towers on fire, with the inscription "Never Forget". Patriotic I suppose. Also his name was Anil, which the Immigration Officer insisted on pronouncing Anal.

I was eventually called into my interview by a guy named Eric, who proceeded to ask me if I had been a Nazi, Communist, Racist, Bigamist, Criminal or Liar. To mix it up, in the middle of a bunch of Questions that require the simple answer of "No", he asked if I had respect for the Constitution. What a tricky trickster. Expecting potential new Americans to have better powers of attention than 'Regular Americans'.

So I was approved and walked back to the crazy room, where CNN were reporting about the gunman going batshit at THE SAME KIND OF FACILITY in New York. (I need to write a separate piece on this phenomenon)

Waiting for the final rubber stamping, I noticed this guy. I fucking love a big shoe.

Finally I was told of the End-of-April swearing-in ceremony. In Worcester?? My favorite part of this official government literature is to inform participants that the ceremony begins at 10.30. Lasts 4 hours, and I quote "You should therefore eat a healthy breakfast".

Speaking of food, on getting back to work I was thrown an impromptu party. Ice cream from a client. Chocolate Cake with Blue Icing (thanks Beck), and a 40oz bottle of Budweiser (thanks Nulty).

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