Sunday, January 3

The long and winding post

It's becoming apparent that my blog has an audience. That's nice.

Sorry I'm not a great writer. It's really a collection of rambling rants dotted with the odd expletive.

Speaking of which. I've realised that I censor myself. I don't write the 'c' word.

English people use it much more than Americans. I'm not suggesting the Queen says it, or that in Prime Minister's Question Time the opposition says, "The Right Honourable gentleman from Toehampton is a slimy righteous c***"

It's certainly frowned upon in England, but it can be used in a friendly sort of way too.

I also remember my old British boss, telling one of my early American business partners, "The difference between you and me Nick, is that Richard can call me a c*** and I wouldn't be offended." With that he ordered his 8th Gin and Tonic and went back to telling amusingly offensive stories. We never really did talk about work when we went out to dinner.

I also know my mum reads this blog, and quite frankly I don't need her reading that word either.

Behind closed doors I do use the word from time to time. Most recently I used it to describe Paul Simon.

I'll start by giving the guy his props. Thanks to him we don't have to listen to Edie Brickell anymore. She went from leading the New Bohemians to doing Paul's ironing. Feminist irony aside, I think he did the world a service there.

But as usual I digress. The reason why I started shouting at Paul Simon was that I was watching one of those back-slapping concerts on HBO where old men get up on stage and sing songs that made them famous more than 25 years ago.

Now most of these guys can no longer sing in the same key, but I did notice that Art Garfunkel does NOT fall into that category.

I'm no fan of Art (I know what I like ...), but he still had the same fragile delicate voice he had in the 70's.

So the intro to Bridge Over Troubled Water begins ... and Art starts singing. I'll stop for a moment.

I know that Paul Simon wrote it. I acknowledge it is a majestic song, crescendoing into an orchestral climax with somewhat uplifting lyrics. Yes. Again. I know that Paul Simon wrote it.


So why as I watch this stupid concert do I have to listen to Paul Simon sing a verse of it?

I'll tell you why, because he's a vain twat. And he has to let you know how awesome he is. "Hey, look at me, I'm the writer. My singing is off-key, but I wrote the song, so fuck you, because I get to do what I want". And that's why I called him a c***.

Finally, if I've missed the boat with the 'c' word stuff, and people actually like it, then I recommend this blog. If you don't like the word then don't click on the link.


Sparkleneely said...

I must protest -- I think you are a great writer, actually. Which is why I'm happy to follow your blog.

Happy New year, and I hope you haven't cursed it by cursing Paul Simon. Whenever I do that, that's what is ALWAYS on the radio.

Anonymous said...

This post made me laugh. Because I had the exact same reaction to Paul McCartney during the Concert for 9-11 in New York. I didn't call him a c. But I did refer to him as a twat. (I'm safe to spell out twat, aren't I? It's much less offensive than c.) And I called him a twat for almost the exact same reason you called Paul Simon a c. The concert featured a bunch of old men getting up and singing songs that made them famous more than 25 years ago. And it was good. It was nostalgic. It made me feel better. I sang along with Mellancamp. I thought the Stones version of Salt of the Earth was really cool. But Sir Paul, the T-W-A-T, had to stand out from the crowd. He decided to perform a song he wrote two weeks earlier. The guy who wrote none of the good Beatles songs decided the best thing for a benefit concert was to sing an original song nobody had ever heard before, one featuring the hard hitting lyrics (courtesy of a Google search): "This is my right, a right given by God, to live a free life, to live in freedom. Talking about freedom. I'm talking about freedom. I will fight for the right to live in freedom. Anyone tries to take it away will have to answer because this is my right." The tune is as awful as the lyrics. Just typing this is making me realize that I'm still pissed off at him. I'll never forget watching the concert on TV. And as the old limey twat was trying to get the crowd to sing along to the refrain, and I shook my head, turned to Anne and said, "What a twat." So yes, we have Paul Simon, and he's a c. But at least he's not a twat. --Johnny

oucheba said...


Possibly the best 300 word piece you've written in the last year?