Friday, January 22

Thanks celebrities ....

Hope for Haiti. I've made a donation. Now please stop.

Keys - Stop screaming Angel.

Clooney - Nice Jacket. If Mel Gibson answers the phone I will not donate.

Coldplay - Never thought I'd write this, but play Yellow. Miserable strumalong. Also take off your hat, you will sweat less.

Berry - Tears? Never thought I'd write this either. Great Actress. More tears.

Springsteen - Has he had work done? I think so. We shall overcome. We sang this at school. Fucking hated it then. Still do.

Di Caprio - He's a good kid.

Wonder - I'm guessing this will build into a Gospel finale. Oh Fuck! I hope Paul Simon joins in on Bridge Over ... He didn't. Bummer.

Jean - Are air miles taxable? Not when you get them through your foundation. Nice 3rd person reference also.

Shakira (no last name) - There's a guy wearing a Sousaphone to her right. Christ why couldn't Chrissie Hynde do this one? Dreadful.

Witherspoon - It's a front. "Are you screwing that Jake guy?"

Legend - Toshiba just invented a robot with more soul. Whitest black guy in the world.

Stewart - Did John Oliver write this speech? I never laugh at his stuff.

Blige - This is more like it. Gravitas! Bags of it! Best thing so far. Great lashes too. Oh, and the crazy Sousaphone guy is still here.

Jackson - Is that a Black Panthers cardigan? Is their merch available on Zazzle?

Swift - When's Beyoncé on?

Kidman - Please make this an ad for Scientology.

Aguilera - She's the new Cyndi Lauper. I just OD'd on sincerity.

Roberts - 1,000 Watt smile. It's not going to be fixed overnight. Can we presume you'll be working on this for the next year Julia?

Twilight kid? - Not famous enough for this gig.

Sting - Bad Jazz. Self indulgent. Righteous. Oh why bother? It's fucking Sting isn't it? The Ramones are dead but Sting and Phil Collins are still alive?

Eastwood & Damon - Dirty Harry and Jason Bourne

Beyoncé - She can see your halo, which given the length of her bangs is quite surprising. Coldplay guy on piano ...

Speilberg - Solar powered flashlights? How about bikes with aliens?

Freeman - Renta-gravitas. Also the name of a mail-order catalog in the UK.

Crow/Rock/Urban - Hey people in mobile homes can donate too. They all have center partings. And guitars. And a misguided sense of pitch.

CNN Guy - Complete lack of vertigo when it comes to grabbing the moral high ground. Anne just outed him. Cannot verify this.

Clinton - Ever since Hilary and I honeymooned in Haiti, I've been wanting to bang a dark skinned French chick. Nice tie Bill.

Madonna - I so want to like this. "Look kids I still fit in my 80's gloves." The gospel choir cannot arrive soon enough.

Stiller - Like a button on my alarm clock. Snooze.

Timberlake and another guy - Aren't those Sony ads funny?

Ali - Thanks Champ.

Hudson - Luckily Jennifer not Kate. Massive earrings. This chick could sing the phone book. Nice work. Sousaphone guy still rocking out.

Hey just in case you didn't get my name the previous 7 times I said it .. I'm Anderson Cooper.

Pitt - You have something on your chin.

Haitian Singer - It's Peter Fenn with another 'Instant Sale'. You'll only get that reference if you watched Sale of the Century on Anglia TV in the late 1970's. That's niche for ya! By the way, just because she is from Haiti does not make this good.

Hanks - Thanks T Hanks.

U2, Jay-Z, and Mark Almond look-a-like Rihanna -
Devil "I think the temperature just dipped below 32°F".
iTunes just called. Really we have to sell this?

Roberts (again) - Don't forget to plug your Valentine's Day movie.

Matthews & Young (not Meatloaf) - Can someone just drop a bucket of shit on these guys? This is utterly wank.

Washington - A body like Arnold with a Denzel Face ™ Salt n Pepa.

Jean (again) - Really? Lauryn Hill was booked tonight?

No comments: