Wednesday, March 31

Hot Shot Lawyer and a Pimp Chef

Saw this during my morning ritual of coffee and news.


Look at the last paragraph. That is not a definition of Russian Roulette.

Sure, perhaps the King of Pap (sic) had no chance of waking from his drug induced sleep. So don't use the stupid analogy!

------------

Then. Hey so I don't only read highbrow news about dead celebrities ... I also read tvtattle.com each day. At first I presumed this was an ironic headline. But it wasn't. It was just a simple old typo.


I'd like to think that somewhere in the US this morning an up and coming young chef from the ghetto is filling out an application form to appear on Top Chef, and his pen is hovering on the 'full name' section.

Tuesday, March 30

It's not good but it is awkward

Random thoughts from watching American Idol.

In the last 7 days a production guy has said, "It's Soul night, get me 3 plus-sized black back-up singers ... and make them foxy. Next, bedazzle the fuck out of those Lane Bryant dresses.

I googled "Randy Jackson is a giant douche", I do this most weeks.

You never want to tease the last segment of a show with "Coming up, 16 year old Aaron tackles some Bill Withers"

Kim Jung-Il. He's in it to win it.

During an ad break some little girl corrected her kid sister about a million dollar dress. Snarky little shit.

Speaking of dresses ... I don't give a damn whether your heart was broken in love or by vehicular tragedy (with I think DoucheCrest was alluding to), that evening dress looks like ass.

The anchors on the Boston Fox News feed are sociopaths.

And finally, Usher. I bet he knows his way around a lady from head to toe. Probably leaves his sunglasses on as well. Smooth bastard.

Sunday, March 28

I'm not impressed

Looks like they were filming something on the Longfellow Bridge this morning. Cops stood around in their silly blue pants doing a crappo job of directing traffic, while self-righteous twats with camera parts walk around the road like they own it.

So my plan to go to the Whole Foods in Beacon Hill was defeated. Instead I had to go to one of the other 4 within a 2 mile radius of where I live.

Oh the poor life I lead ....

Saturday, March 27

Why'd you buy a plastic lime?

Because they only had 29 plastic lemons.

We went decoration crazy today. By my count we bought 5 vases, 3 bowls, 5 cushions, a metal outdoor vase, a small desk, 3 side tables, lots of fake shrubbery, 2 polka dot cups, a bright orange ottoman (not a Turkish gentleman), 29 plastic lemons, and a plastic lime.

And. 2 yards of material for the coffee table I intend to build. More of that closer the time

$1 a minute

Anne and I just spent $20 each to gain entry to the Boston Flower and Garden Show. What a big let down.

If I want to see a bunch of shitty landscaping, pussy willow, arts & craft jewelry and poorly knitted sweaters of questionable Asian origin I'll take a walk between Union and Inman Square thank you very much.

Throw in 2 weak lattes for $6 at the expensive hotel over the road and we just managed to go over an hour.

Which meant that the parking jumped from $9 to $19.

$65 for 65 minutes.

Thursday, March 25

My Lady Humps

Not sure if the M.R.S. has the shingles.

She suddenly found a bunch of bumps on her head and then a few more sprouted above her eye.

I hope the pain and swelling goes away soon.

Of course she's worried she'll give them to me. I understand they can make a man sterile. So that would be a bonus.

Strangely I never had anything as a kid. No poxes, measles, fevers, coughs or mumps (or humps and bumps).

Sunday, March 21

Reasons to speak French

I watched La Fille de Monaco this morning. An enjoyable movie that first caught my attention with this great movie poster. It's up there with the poster for Le Mépris in my humble opinion.

For me, and despite the title, the film was a study of the relationship between the 2 men in the film.

As for the titular character, she has many of the features favored by the superficial man. And in one sexy scene you get to see pretty much all of la fille....

... unless you watched the subtitled version which managed to unintentionally cover her (complete lack of) modesty.

Merde!

Wednesday, March 17

Keys and Peas to launch World Cup


My hopes were dashed when I learned that incredibly hairy second-rate TV presenter Richard Keys and the delicious Cheesy Peas (Peas filled with Cheese) were not opening the World Cup.





Instead they got Alicia Keys and the Black Eyed Peas. Bummer.

Tuesday, March 16

Random Observations

The Guy who wrote The Notebook
Could this twat just give up writing? You're hack.

Randy Jackson and actors named Gyllenhaal
Like a circle. Pointless.

Weathermen
Let's not call them meteorologists - that suggests a knowledge of Science.

Gemma Arterton
I'm worried. You're beautiful and talented, but I read the first page of your GQ interview and I can tell you make poor choices.

Hallelujah
Can everyone just stop covering this. And it's a Cohen song. Not a Buckley song.

The World's Strongest Vagina
Surely the best headline I will read this year.

Acapulco
Stay calm everyone. It's just bullet riddled dead bodies and headless policemen. Still a great place to visit every year.

80% of male teenagers
Cut your fucking hair.

Apple
Guys I loved you since 1987. Even if you made a dialysis machine I'd buy one. But the latest iPhone ad where the boring mother sends her kid video to "everyone she knows', is the biggest technology failure since the Zune.

Monday, March 15

Ding, ding, ding with intermittent dong

We just had possibly the most miserable weekend of weather ever. Grey skies, sub-hurricane winds, and relentless driving rain. Imagine a vacation in Hornsea (or in my case replace imagine with recall).

Anne and I had a blast. Turned on the fire, watched bad TV and cooked dinners in our kitchen. Domestic bliss created we went to bed last night happy and content.

3am. In unison. "Is that our doorbell?"

It was our doorbell, only if you imagine it being 'mixed' by Grandmaster Flash. Obviously being the man of the house I sent Anne down first to see if anyone in a hockey mask was stood on our porch. In true horror movie style, she went downstairs without flicking the light switch.

We turned off the security alarm, and the block-rocking doorbell beats stopped. I bravely checked that nobody was ringing the bell at the basement door in a comedy Sou'wester. Negative.

Alarm back on, we went back to bed. As soon as the next wave of gusting wind returned the doorbell went off again. It's no good telling our alarm company, they'll say it's the doorbell. Call a sparky, and they'll say it's the alarm people.

Let's just hope this wind dies down ...

Also much worse than our comedy doorbell are the moronic wind chimes our neighbor has hanging from their porch. Why can't the wind blow those fuckers away?

Happy Birthday


Today is the 25th Anniversary of the first ever dot.com.

And it belonged to a company from my home city of Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Sunday, March 14

4 Down. Still Alive.

Today I cooked Halibut in a Provençale style. Month 4 of my once a month birthday gift to Anne. So far I don't think Julia Child is doing any grave rolling.

I'm loving this whole cooking thing. Sure I'm like a child in the kitchen creating havoc by using every pan, utensil and ingredient. Once again I managed to set off the smoke alarm when I did a quick pre-bake sear of the fish.

There really is no secret to this French cooking concept. Butter, onions, tomatoes, wine, garlic and fresh herbs. How can it taste bad?

8 more to go. Hoping to avoid doing an aspic.

UK Mother's Day!



Happy Mother's Day to my Mum.

Saturday, March 13

An s, a period, and a comma

As -> Ass
Listening to Stevie Wonder this week. First up, As. Classic. Songs in the Key of Life. Next. His signature terrible harmonica with Dionne Warwick on that friends song. As to Ass in one song.

. (or full stop as we call it in my homeland)
Wishing someone a happy 311 day is an ironic smile to the shitty boy band. Wishing someone a happy 3.11 day sucks if you live in Madrid.

,
The difference between, "There's no shit muffin", and "There's no shit, muffin". I was giving a knowing nod to the baked good, Anne thought I was addressing her about some imaginary constipation.

Sunday, March 7

Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Can we stop having to say this?

Precious.

Tales of the Expected

I rented a DVD of Roald Dahl's Tales of the Unexpected.

Roald? Too posh for Ronald?

Dreadful 70s/80s production values, classic British actors, vaguely spooky stories.

Why am I watching? It reminds me of being terrified as a kid. I'd watch this in the dark at my grandparents house. They had windows with dark curvy handles, and a tree that kept tapping on the glass. Ah, wonderful childhood memories.

Just watched a 20 minute show where a crazy old broad thinks a stray cat is the reincarnation of Franz Liszt.

Wizard!!

Boo Concept

Dear Bo Concept

We've previously spent a lot of money with you to purchase a cabinet, dining room table and chairs, and a couch for our home + some cool stuff for my office.

In Jan this year we ordered a set of drawers to compliment the table, chairs and cabinets. We commented how much we liked our current set up, and were clear that the drawers were being purchased to go with the existing items.

However we made a mistake. Told that the choices were white, black or walnut, we assumed our previous purchases were walnut.

They were in fact cherry.

Thus when the delivery was made today the drawers did not match our previous purchases.

We called you, and you checked on your computer and told us that we had previously ordered cherry items.

We were disappointed to be told there would be a 40% re-stocking fee.

It is frustrating to know that right there on the BoConcept computer was our previous order history showing cherry.

I would hope our previous purchasing record would demonstrate that we are return customers, and you might consider a more lenient approach to resolving the problem.

Thursday, March 4

Chicken Tonight?

Headline in The Times today above this picture.

"For Two Days I've Been On The Street. I Haven't Eaten"

Erm. This may seem obvious, but you appear to have a chicken in your arms.

Sorry.