Not at all like NWA I fucked tha po-lice this week.
Driving home from an appointment I accelerated onto the highway and was soon zipping along at around the 80 mph mark.
I spotted the police car in the slow lane and slowed down to 65mph, pulling up equal with him as I did.
He slowed to 60, so did I. 55, same again. Down to 50mph and finally I pulled into the middle lane at which point he dropped back and threw the blue lights on.
Cop "What's with the erratic driving?"
Me "I was going too fast. I saw you and slowed down."
Cop "Yes, I slowed down to 45mph and so did you, that's very dangerous in the fast lane"
Me "So you coerced me into dangerous driving?"
Cop "No! No I did not. Not at all"
A few beats of silence.
Cop "You been drinking tonight?"
As I said no I believed I was telling the truth, then it hit me I'd drunk a Coors Light, which is hardly an alcoholic drink, but if we're going to be technical ...
Cop "Not even one?"
Me "Well, one but I'd be glad to take a sobrietry test"
Note I spelled sobriety wrong, but that's how I said it to the cop.
Me "Sorry Officer, I'd happily take a test, but I struggle to say the word sobrietry"
I delivered this in my best English accent. I'd figured talking funny was my best escape route.
And so it came to pass that 15 minutes later, during which I sat bemused by the side of the highway wondering whether eating a mint would be an admission of guilt, the cop handed me a ticket.
Just a warning. No fine.
As I accelerated away I blasted out some NWA on my stereo. Because that's what middle aged white men do.