Wednesday, March 30

The Virgin Mary on Toast

We've all laughed at the wack-jobs who see religious icons embedded into toast, or at the bottom of a coffee cup, or a stain on the ground.

Haven't we?

But here's a new chapter.

Bird shit stains that look like cartoon characters.

Am I the only one who hears those voices?

Sunday, March 27

99¢ Hot Sausage Biscuit

I always seem to be in a pissy mood when I'm filling my car with gas.

Maybe it's the cold weather and the fact that it still takes the same amount of time to fill a gas tank as it did in 1970 ... really, we couldn't speed this up?

Various stations use different techniques to create a positive atmosphere. The Shell garage near my work pumps (geddit?) musak on the forecourt. Like the fucking Eagles and their Tequila Sunrise is going to make the windchill go away as I hit the $50 mark.

The Hess garage I frequent, because why wouldn't you name a gas station after Hitler's Deputy, plays news stories.

But the 7-Eleven on Rt 1 is my favorite. No audio, but the digital display let's you know about all of the innuendo riddled promotions they are running for "Shit that's delicious, yet bad for you"

Fancy some Hot Sausage for less than a Buck? Holy Sausage that's Big! How about some Muffin Mania?

They are also pimping a Bananas Foster Cappuccino. There is a double entendre in there somewhere, but I cannot get past how gross the drink sounds?

Tuesday, March 22

Not Appearing on a Wall Soon

I'm searching for a color appropriate image to go in a gigantic frame to fill one side of our bedroom.

Our bedroom palette runs to Lime, Brown and a touch of Orange.

I wanted this.

Anne said no.

Nutty and Sour?

Saturday, March 19


My Cocktail of Choice.

The Original Recipe from Harry's Bar in Paris

1 1/2 oz. VS or VSOP cognac
3/4 oz. Cointreau
3/4 oz. fresh lemon juice

Shake all ingredients with ice and strain into a chilled cocktail glass with a sugared rim.

Garnish with an orange peel.

Drink. Fall Over.

Friday, March 18

College Basketball to WWII

or 3 Degrees of March Madness.

I'm involved in my first ever NCAA March Madness bracket.

Which got me thinking about the bastardization of the word bracket.

I've trained myself to use the word parenthesis instead of the more common British bracket (such discipline ... I know).

[or should I have used these?]

Bracket was also one half of a pathetic 70s female impersonator duo Hinge & Bracket.

Now cross-dressing entertainment may or may not be your thing, but regardless of your taste, there is such a thing as quality, and Hinge & Bracket did not have it.

Drag acts have a rich Vaudeville history in the UK, and one of my less compelling childhood memories was to watch a TV show called 'The Good Old Days'.

I'd try to explain, but this clip offers a quick route to the general schtick.

Laborious moustached twat of an MC introduces Variety act to theatrical gasps and applause from middle-class Britons dressed as flappers and The Gentry.

This 'stuck in a time machine' collection of minor characters from an Agatha Christie play was on TV every fucking week.

These were not 'Good Old Days'. It was, and remains - shit.

Every week, I would pray for an Air-Raid siren to go off, and after 30 seconds of watching panic stricken pseudo-posh folk from Surbiton run around in period costume a Doodlebug would crash through the ceiling.

Now that would be an authentic reenactment of "The Good Old Days'.

And that's the end of my College Basketball blog post.

Thursday, March 17

Census working overtime

I was making dinner tonight when the doorbell rang. Anne answered the door to find two 10 year-old girls stood on the steps.

Girls: We're doing a survey, would you answer some questions please?
Anne: Sure

Girl #1: Do you like Pizza?
Anne: Yes
Girl #2 scribbles down Anne's insightful response.

Girl #1: Do you like Chips?
Anne: Yes
Girl #2 once again takes a No. 2 pencil and fills in the answer.

Girl #1: If you had 2 kids, a girl and a boy, what would you call them?
This stumped Anne, ask her for a cat name and she'll pull an index card of choices, but kids? Anne (After a long pause): Joseph and Anne
Girl #2 finishes her quantitative and qualitative masterpiece.

And then they were gone, and I was left to wonder why I'd call my son Joseph?

Wednesday, March 16

The rhythm is the bass

and the bass is the treble

Sunday, March 13

Some Graphic Design Basics

If you have a magazine called Where, try not to have the main image break over the middle letter so that it looks like an 'o'.

Whore is a different magazine and seldom features indie guitarists on the front cover.

Also, try to ovoid writing the word flick in CAPITAL letters in a condensed font. The space between the 'L' and the 'I' is your only friend.

That's all for now.

Wednesday, March 9

Not what I expected

As I clicked through the BBC website this morning, this headline caught my eye.

Oh, what are those Euro bureaucrats dreaming up now I wondered.

Specific circumference? 23% chocolate content? No Hydrogenated Fats?

Alas it was the cookie placed inside your internet browser so that the IT department can tell if you've watching porn at work.

That's what cookies are for right?

Tuesday, March 8

Le Ballon Rouge

It's Tuesday night, Anne is out of town, so I had the option of putting my feet up on the coffee table and eating a block of cheese. Instead I chose to watch the delightful 1956 French movie Le Ballon Rouge (The Red Balloon for those with zero ability to rationalize another language).

A young boy discovers said red balloon on his way to school, and the next 30 minutes is an adorable delight.

Along with the balloon, the star of the show is Paris. A quick bit of research informs me that it is filmed around Ménilmontant in the 20th arrondissement

Flippin' enchanting as they say in Franceland.

Sunday, March 6

Not even the rent

Ain't nothing goin' on right now. I'm ensconced in a project at work that is taking up all of my time.

It's so distracting that nothing else annoys me. How sick is that?

It does make me relish the hour I have with Anne at home each night before I go to sleep, but otherwise it's a quick bit of dinner and TV. It's either Bottom or An Idiot Abroad with idiot savant Karl Pilkington.

Other than that, I switched on the news the other day and there is "Trouble in the Middle East". How 'bout that?