Thursday, April 28

Shit Fuck Piss (out of my system)

Firstly. The month of May is going to be Richard doesn't swear month.

But it is still April so fuck-a-doodle-doo.

My parents arrived last night, and naturally they like to take it slow as they adapt to time change, a different climate and diet.

So I feel bad that I've just had to hustle them to get washed and dressed because the bloody cleaners came before 8am!

Wednesday, April 27

Definition of Wanker

Anne and I went to dinner at Clio for our anniversary.

The spotty kid at the next table exclaimed to everyone within earshot.

"Those carrots were transcendent!"

Friday, April 22

Actually ...

At lunch today as I waited to pick up my pretentious sandwich (some shit with avocado and jacima), the server walked by with a bowl of soup and said, "Caroline?"

At which point a heavy-set goth chick with a bitch-face raised her hand and said "Actually it's Carol-een"

Here's the point sweetie. No one gives a shit how you choose to pronounce your name, especially the poor schlub making $6 an hour delivering over-priced bisque to your fat ass.

Take the soup and shut up.

Thursday, April 21

Mr Happy Crack Says

I noticed a small crack in the concrete at the base of my house just before the siding kicks in.

Being ├╝ber-naive/first-time buyer tense, I called someone to come look at it.

I called the Crack Team, because when they answer the phone they start with,

Mr Happy Crack Says "A Dry Crack is a Happy Crack". Because those are the type of guys I want protecting my largest investment.

Thursday, April 14

Oh! You're Funny

I called up a Customer Service rep after a ceramic pot I had ordered arrived in a 100 pieces.

"It's like an archeological dig inside the box," I said.

7 seconds of fingers on keyboard noise.

2 seconds of silence (but I think I could hear her lips moving)

"Oh! You're Funny," she said.

Tuesday, April 12

Nerdy but Noteworthy

I've probably played more than 400 games of on-line Scrabble with my masterful opponent Johnny.

Today's game marked the first time we had identical bingos during the course of the same game.

We both played outrider. I didn't need the blank tile, then again, he cashed in on some triple word action!

Calling all wordy nerds!

Saturday, April 9

Alarming Behavior

Several times a year Anne travels without me. Usually she's visiting her family as she is this weekend, and sometimes her work takes her away.

Two out of every three times this happens, I manage to forget to turn off our house alarm. Just like this morning. And sorry Meat Loaf, but this IS bad.

My morning trip to the basement triggered the motion sensors activating a sequence of events that is usually shown in graphical montage form in action movies. The end result of which was Anne receiving a phone call in her parent's Las Vegas condo at 5.45am.

Conversely, when Anne is away I turn into the handy man about the house she probably wishes she had married. Without the beautiful wife-shaped distraction I draw up lists of chores, home improvements and maintenances.

I've already done 5 things of positive note this morning (6 if you include triggering the alarm, which we were worried was defective), and I'm about to set off to buy furnishings for our Guest Bedroom, and I might even swing by Home Depot to buy materials for an outdoor project I have in mind.

Warning - Man at Work!

Wednesday, April 6

A Fish with a WWII Missile

My business partner Maria sent me an invite for her Birthday Party today.

Her husband has rented a big old house on the beach, and here's a photo.

In the top right of the photo it looks like a giant fish is dropping a bomb.

Sunday, April 3

I thought this was a spoof

it's not

Oddly Sad

I just took a walk down to the grocery store and spotted this on Cambridge Street.

This block has a real mish-mash of stores.

I think this place sells party dresses or dolls, but I'm not sure because I'm usually staring at the Portuguese religious artifacts shop next door.

Invariably when you see something like this, you cast your mind back to other times you encountered something handless.

Back as a 21 year old, I had the longest 7 hours of my life in Tijuana.

Little kids would be forever tapping you on the leg to sell you candy.

Of course the 15th time it happened was the occasion I chose to turn around and finally tell them to fuck off.

Only it was a 7 year old with no hands.

I felt terrific.

I guiltily bought some candy and escaped to a hotel lobby for 2 hours and listened to a guy play mariachi jazz fusion on a Casio keyboard.

As Gloria Estefan said. "Oye Mi Canto"

Saturday, April 2

Slow News Day

This seemed to be everywhere I looked this week.

Welsh house that looks like Hitler.

Not a patch on my bird shit Tasmanian devil ....

Friday, April 1

Spam, Spam, Spam

Received this invitation to friend someone on FaceBook.