Sunday, May 29

Auto-exotic Aspirations

Anne's buying a new car and her logic (with assistance from her inner circle of confidantes) for discounting certain models has been a thing of vague mathematical beauty.

Too boxy, too curvy, too American, too lesbian, too Audi-doody, too big, too small, too bland, too out there, too little power, too much stuff, not enough visibility, no 4-wheel drive, too ugly.

But today I tagged along on 4 different test drives.

VW Tiguan, Acura RDX, Subaru Forester, and a Honda CRV. She's already discounted the last two, so it's a head to head between the German engineering and the feature laden Jap-mobile.

Wednesday, May 25

The Queen of Soul

I've been listening to her Gospel album lately, and Ain't No Way would still be one of my Desert Island Discs, so I've booked to see Aretha live later this summer.

I know she's a bit past her sell by date, but I didn't see the Godfather of Soul until the 1990's. Also, I never went inside a World of Leather. I cannot think of another suitable Thing of Thing, and generally the third example is the funny one. Ah well. Comedy Bronze again.

Say a Little Prayer ...

I know this is close to sacrilegious, but when she sings, "And wondering what dress to wear now", tell me I'm not the only one thinking "And you chose that one."

Monday, May 23

A very specific type of sexual predator

I'm currently addicted to on-line Scrabble. There's a Public Game option where you get to play with strangers. Most people name their games something generic such as 'May 23', or 'Scrabble with Angela', or 'Facebook Game'.

But there is one guy who repeatedly starts games with variations on a theme of 'Only dominant women please'.

C'mon man, let's separate the on-line sex from the Scrabble. I feel bad enough playing words of a sexual nature with strangers, without wondering whether the other player is wearing a gimp costume, jacking off into a petri dish while a tropical bird flutters around the bag he has auto-erotically taped around his neck.

By the way, I didn't dream that up myself, it is based on the work of British Conservative MP Stephen Milligan. Good to see those guys running the country again.

Past, present and future tense

Maybe this Rapture thing has traction. I'm reading this morning about Joplin, Missouri being hit by a huge tornado. I visited Joplin a few years ago on my interstate roadtrip. As I recall I made an offhand comment about the freshness of their sushi, and the huge praying hand monument donated by a man named Oral.

Added to the earthquake in NZ and I'm either becoming a lightning rod for "bummer stuff", or it's just a simple coincidence because I travel a bunch.

Moving to present day, my hometown of Wakefield, West Yorkshire has had two grand openings in the past month.

The Barbara Hepworth Museum offers world-class sculpture and other pieces of art collected by the town's curators. The Trinity Walk Sainsbury's offers shoppers bargain groceries with the promise of over-priced coffee nearby.

I spoke to both my parents and my sister yesterday. They've visited one of these new architectural delights, but let's just say it wasn't the one with "big pieces of wood with holes in it, behind a piece of glass".

So it's 9 months since my wrist pain began, and I'm beginning to have empathy for pregnant women, but without the over-bearing fog of smugness. Apparently I live in the country with the "World's Best Healthcare", so God (or Harold Camping) knows how long it would take the rest of civilization to come up with the latest prognosis of my condition.

It appears I may now have a neck injury that is causing my wrist pain. No doubt caused by the tension filled poor posture I adopt when I work, or perhaps by squeezing myself into airplanes to visit the sites of future disasters.

Either way, I'm hoping for one of those comedy neck braces, or maybe a body cast like an old-time polio sufferer.

Wednesday, May 18


I had a moment in the airport today when I thought this was some weird piece of marketing.

The body was motionless and headless. I had to walk to the side to check there was a head attached and this was a real person.

It was. Then again I was flying United, so decapitation has a certain appeal.

I'm back in LA for a few days of business. I chose a very cheap car rental place with an office in the center of the beautiful city of Inglewood (always up to no good).

And now I'm in the DoubleTree hotel in the equally beautiful City of Commerce out in East LA.

This is not the glamorous SoCal that my parents saw 2 weeks ago.

Sunday, May 15


I read that the guy from the EMF was arrested for sexually assaulting the maid in his NYC hotel. Considering it's more than 15 years since their big hit I'm surprised the maid could pick him out in a parade.

Elsewhere I read that the ICC have issued a warrant for Gaddafi. What jurisdiction does the International Cricket Council have over a sovereign state?

EMF Update - apparently it's some French guy from another band called the IMF. Maybe they're one of those tribute bands? A Frenchman who cannot keep it in his pants. Shocking.

Tuesday, May 10

What Sign Are You?

Saturday was my dad's 70th, and I think it was my mum who decided we should go to the Top of the Hub at the Prudential Building. For the uniformed, the restaurant is a posh and therefore stuffy Boston institution, full of a mixture of tourists, businessmen and special occasion celebrations.

Sat behind me was a 50-something man, with an Eastern European (via Las Vegas) hooker. How entertaining.

She fed the guy food and asked the most mundane of questions in her whorish Zsa Zsa Gabor cadence. Fantastic!

Meanwhile she would call the manager over for an extra flirt, "ooh you're so strong, I bet you're a Taurus aren't you?"

And finally, she was annoying to the wait staff with repeated requests such as "I need more lemons!", "This pork tastes like veal".

I understand the testosterone desire of the male, but why does he have to take her for dinner as well? Who cares, it made for an added note of celebration as my dad turned 70.

Monday, May 9

Mousey Bitch

19 years ago I got into a little bit of trouble in Disneyland for grabbing some Minnie Mouse ass during a photo.

19 years later, on Thursday to be precise, I took my mum (with Anne and my dad in tow) to Disneyland.

We spent a few hours wandering (around), and wondering (why it cost $70 to get in), and as we were leaving down Main Street I spotted Minnie Mouse.

"Let's get our photo taken" I said to Mum. We stood in line as kids had their shots taken, and meanwhile nobody else joined the queue. As our turn approached, a Disney associate stepped up to Minnie, whispered in her ear, and off she went.

I'm sure they don't remember me from 19 years ago, but seriously, are Disney so unionized they couldn't stretch to 15 more seconds to take a photo with my mum.


* I am trying to not swear in May.

Sunday, May 8


I'm never sure which is worse a sour loser or a sour winner.

I woke early this morning and found a Scrabble opponent on a Public Game.

Statistically she was way better than me, and so it proved throughout the game, as she strategically built words across the board.

We traded words every other minute and I hung on best I could, but was resigned to defeat. I did notice I had a 7 letter word to finish, but thought that there was no way I would get the chance to play it.

I didn't get a chance. Instead she left an inviting letter at the board edge, so I played an 8 letter word (Routines), with triple word, to finish 2 points in front of her.

I hit re-match, played my opener, and noticed she spent 30 minutes before she played a word. Again she left an inviting opening and I dropped a 95 point bingo.

At which point she forfeited. Maybe that's how she keeps such a high rating?

Nerdy, sour posting? Sure, but come on!

Wednesday, May 4

Speaking of ...

While going around Hollywood I learned that if you are selected for a walk of fame star you must pay $25,000 for the privilege. This seems very vain to me.

Speaking of vain, the British woman with outrageously fake tits sat in the hot tub at 8am, was drinking a hot latte.

Speaking of jugs, we ate breakfast at the ultra camp 'jugs and buns'.

Speaking of poor culinary choices I had fish tacos for the first time, and always think of the idiot on Top Chef who made them on the 'Make the best dish of your life' round.

Speaking of Top Chef we went to a restaurant run by the Jamie, the finger slicing lesbian from All Stars.

Speaking of All Stars, I wish I'd brought my Chuck Taylor's, instead of the sandals I wore yesterday. I now have strips of tan on my feet. They look like tigers.

Speaking of Tiger Feet, the dreadful song from the 70's by Mud was the first record bought for me.

Think I'm done ...

Sunday, May 1

La la land

Headed for LA this morning. My Dad turns 70 next week and this is his birthday present.

The plane had the usual collection of crazy. A manic depressive old bag complaining about shit and a woman in front of me who had a small piece of blossom wedged in the back of her ear.

Avis rental guy looked like Usher. Probably wasn't.

Our SatNav is lazy. Always takes her 15 minutes to acquire satellites. But once she has them she starts bossing me around. Told her to zip it a bunch of times.

We took a movie star homes tour. Saw the Beckhams house. Contemplated breaking in as they are probably still in England for the Royal wedding. Instead stayed on the bus and saw Dr Phil's house. Was delighted when my mom exclaimed "Who the hell is Dr Phil?"

After the tour, grabbed coffee and sat next to 6 Asian girls who were all jabbering away to each other while everyone of them also texted away on their 'mobile handheld devices'.

In the hotel 4 Australian girls bitched about the size of their luggage because they had also stopped off at the Palms in Vegas. When I was their age on the same kind of trip I didn't stay in boutique hotels. I stayed in $25 a night hotels. Kids today! Whatever old man ...

We ate dinner at Asia de Cuba. It is like Sodom and Gomorrha there. All the pretty, cosmetically enhanced young things drink expensive cocktails by the pool while Euro House pumps away. But we managed to eat everything on the tasting menu including dessert.

On the ride back to the hotel I called a Korean guy (who was probably returning from a night of Korean classical music at the Hollywood Bowl) a douche. This could be my last swear for a month. We will see ...