I always try to set off for a sunny weekend in Cleveland with a jump in my stride and the positive lyrics of Patti LaBelle's song "I got a new attitude" playing in my tiny brain.
Sadly, yet invariably by the time the plane touches down in OH, a tuba is playing 4 descending notes denoting the total pisser/bummer combo that air travel in the US has become.
On route to Logan, Anne had to test the quality of her new car brakes, when the world's first considerate pick-up truck driver decided to stop, without warning, for a blind woman who was still making her mind up whether to cross 30 feet away.
Next on the car test checklist was the horn, which Anne administered to the slow moving moron edging towards the ticket machine at the pace of a fat rambler on a humid day. As usual my quasi-audition for backing vocals in the James Brown band was denied, but I repeatedly muttered "Gimme some horn" for the next few minutes.
In the line for security the TSA greeter (how fucked up must you be to not get the WalMart version of this job?) stood in the middle of the lane, oblivious to the growing throng of travelers stood behind him. From throng, to thong ... yep, as ever there was someone digging shit out of their bag who should be wearing larger underwear.
Actual security was done by a woman with tight pants, a highlighter pen and nails probably done at place called "Nails by Simone". Post scrutiny we chose the line for X-Ray that did NOT contain the smug stroller-pushing water-bottle carrying, North Face dressed Mom. Sadly the dude in front of us was the equally smug Dad, and they were hedging their security line bets.
With the trays in sight there was a 5 minute delay ... for God knows what. Looks like I picked a bad life to be an atheist.
And then with all of our Glad-bagged toiletries laid bare and just one more push required to send the stuff onto the game-show style conveyor belt. Stop.
Bag check required. 5 TSA guys all doing fuck-all while someone presumably from another terminal waddled over. Even more annoying the smug parents beat us through the checkpoint. Curses!
While Anne bemoaned the complete lack of quality magazines sold in Hudson News, I pondered why it's impossible to buy anything less than 20oz of soda these days. Meanwhile I finally saw the woman who buys her travel gifts in the airport. Some lucky family are dividing up 20 fluffy lobster toys and a dozen Boston pencil sharpeners.
Continental in their wisdom chose to display the wrong destination and status on the board by the gate. When questioned about this, they decided piss poor attitude to their customers was the best course of action.
The plane was relatively trouble free. 4 Japanese kids each carried on their round-the-world backpacks, plus a carry-on bag, plus an oversized supermarket bag filled with snacks.
Meanwhile I tried to watch Jackass 3 on my iPad without anyone else seeing the parade of depravity and male nudity that runs throughout the whole movie.
And that's why when I get to Cleveland all I want to do is swear, sulk and moan.
The rest of the trip? Awesome!!