Saturday, October 29

Rated R for Sexiness and Strong Language

I think we can all universally agree that there's nothing more sexy than a jigsaw puzzle.

They've graced every magazine cover from Vogue to Big Jugs, from The Economist to Jigsaw Monthly.

Being an alpha male, I was unimpressed by my 5 year old niece finishing a 25 piece puzzle, so to demonstrate my might I undertook an epic 2,000 piece journey to The Cinqueterre in Italy.

2 months and 1,998 pieces later I've finished.

Of course I want to blame our Brazilian cleaners and their high suction vacuums. But looking under our coffee table I found tiny pieces of a toy my niece played with in August, so it's hard to imagine the latinas in their undersized clothes were selective in their desire to only fuck up my fun.

Tonight I'll break up my hard work and return our fancy-schmancy designer table back to it's proper use ... as a staging post for a bowl of fake lemons.

For the travel conscious, here's what the village of Manarola looks like without 2 pieces missing.

Thursday, October 27

Not tonight love

I was picking through some Spotify playlists tonight looking for some aural inspiration, when I saw a playlist named "Love Making".

Mmm, I thought, probably a bit of clichéd 70s soul but that's pretty much what I like, so I clicked View to see the playlist.

Kenny Fucking G? I challenge any man to get an erection while that shit is playing. I'd rather take a Silkwood Shower

You could play it at a Viagra testing factory and you'd just get a bunch of non-compliance reports in your in-box.

How could you make Kenny G any worse? Ah yes, add a light dusting of Michael Bolton. Holy crap who's making love to this (other than Michael Bolton ... you know he does).

Of course Kenny's brother Warren is a different story. "Regulate!"

Tuesday, October 25

I've just been overcome by the love of the Lord

Game Show cash available to any willing participant ....

Am dying of cancer in the hospital and the doctor told me i will be dead very soon as it is getting to a bad stage. what shall it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul. so i now decided to divide the part of this wealth,to contribute to the development of churches in Africa, America Asia,and Europe. i prayed over it. i am willing to donate the sum of 300,000usd, to the less privileged. please i want you to note that fund is lying in a bank and upon my instruction,my attorney, who presently is distributing relief materials , will file in an application for the transfer of the money in your name. lastly, i honestly pray that this money when transferred! will be used for the said purpose,because i have come to find out that wealth acquisition without Christ is vanity. may the grace of our lord Jesus the love of God and the fellowship of God be with you and your family. i await urgent reply......

sarah miller.

Monday, October 24

Oh, Mum!

Testing my ability to make a complete post without swearing, here's a photo of me and mum from my recent trip home.

This chronicles the last time I smiled when either one of my wonderful parents managed to master a piece of digital equipment.

I kind of freaked last week when Dad sent an e-mail from (Mum's) iPad saying that they had upgraded to the Cloud, and all seemed well.

Their confidence in electronic wizardry seems to know no bounds, and a few clicks during screen-sharing on iChat seemed to tidy everything up.

I guess I was 10 minutes into explaining Cloud computing to them when I realized that they are actually pretty cool computer users considering how late in life they started. They sync all kinds of stuff in Drop Box, do all their banking on-line, and have fully digitized music, movie and photo libraries.

If only they could retouch my squinting eyes. Maybe I'll get them a Photoshop tutorial for Christmas.

Tuesday, October 18

The shit people do to their cars

Everyday I walk past this car in the parking lot.

She (just a guess) appears to have taken the dog from a giant Monopoly set, spray painted it gold, and glued it to the hood of her shitty car.

I suspect there is a doggie day-care center in the building next door. My guess is based on seeing poodle haired women with poodles walking into the building.

From my days of living in London I recall African guys who put tissue boxes that look like gold crowns in their rear windows. They almost exclusively would drive a Mercedes.

Meanwhile last week I borrowed Anne's brand new VW. She appears to have filled it with cat hair.

Of course my Audi is a museum to candy wrappers.

Monday, October 17

Be to the Lux

A week late but ... 2 days in Benelux, but I'm only visiting Be and Lux. No time for Ne.

A sleepy journey from London was brought into focus when the train stopped at the entrance of the Channel Tunnel because of a power failure. No worries I thought, time to bring out the iPhone and burn up some $Dollars on my International 3G usage.

And there it was. Steve Jobs had died. Tragic that I discovered this news using one of his greatest devices. I've used Macintosh computers since 1987, so the guy had a pretty big impact on my life.

Belgium may be the Manchester of mainland Europe - it's always raining here. I headed to the Pantone Hotel. Once more they have excelled themselves. I'm in a room with this for toilet roll.

On Friday I headed for Luxembourg. Because why not? Brussels has fast trains to everywhere, except it's neighbor to the south. It's quicker to drive, but instead I picked up a big bag of Maltesers cranked up the tunes and sat back for 3 hours of rolling Wallonia countryside.

I've come to realize that much of my geographical knowledge of Europe is based on knowing the football teams of each country. I reached Namur, a nice looking town overlooking a wide river, and I had to research that their lower division team is Union Royale Namur.

Next I passed a Rochefort, which has nothing to do with the smelly cheese. Excitement over, I entered Luxembourg.

What an awesome place. The old city of Luxembourg is perched high atop precipitous cliffs that drop into the narrow valleys of the Alzette and Pétrusse rivers. In the valleys stand a picturesque old town. On the other side of the narrow valley is the modern day town and the banking and Euro parliament buildings.

If you have a hard time visualizing this, here's a cock shaped drawing to help.

I took a bus tour and walked the streets and had a swell old time communicating in my perfect French.

On the ride home the train filled up with kids traveling home after school. It seemed to me that some of them took 50 mile journeys. Sat across from me was a guy who did not have an iPod. Instead he pulled out his cumbersome 10 year old laptop. Then he hooked up a hard drive of equal size (presumably containing his music files), and finally plugged in a big old pair of headphones. He took up the whole table. But he was a bit rough looking so I didn't kick up a fuss. International relations are an ongoing specialty ...

Monday, October 10

Why I love Björk

The Guardian have been asking for questions all week from readers for Björk in view of the release of her new record Biophilia.

Lots of good questions about her music, inspiration and of course Iceland. Björk is always down to earth and answers all the questions with good humor and insight.

But this was the best exchange

perfidy22 asks
My 2003 Saab 9-3 pulls to the right under heavy braking. I've had the tyres, tracking and steering checked and they look fine ... but it still happens. What do you suggest?

Björk replies
Bicycle ...

Friday, October 7

Get a load of this guy

Flicking through channels in the Belgian hotel last night I hit a music channel. For anyone under 20 ... a music channel is a channel that plays music, not a channel that shows reality TV about twats.

It appeared to be Slow Jamz hour, with a nice mix of older R&B, but presumably because this was a Belgian channel there was also some French tat thrown in.

This video caught my attention in the first 10 seconds.

The gallic Robert Wagner is Alain Delon. And he must turn the ladies to a quivering mess. A quick browse on Wikipedia reveals he nows lives in Switzerland and counts Phil Collins as one of his jet-set friends.

And (paraphrasing a Ramones funeral) as Anne said upon hearing Steve Jobs had died, "Why couldn't it have been Phil Collins?"

Also, while we are in What's going on? mode. A few songs later this came on. Bar de l'hôtel by Raphael appears to feature a woman being abducted by male models dressed as hi-tech welders.

Tuesday, October 4

An odd couple

Wakefield is the birthplace of 2 of the most influential sculptors of the last 100 years. Yet bizarrely during the few years I studied Design here, Sir Henry Moore and Barbara Hepworth were never mentioned.

Today I visited my hometown's minimalist museum featuring Hepworth's work. The space is incredible. It reminded me of the Bauhaus museum in Berlin, but with fewer chain-smoking, wire-framed glasses wearing tosspots.

The galleries were filled with schoolkids with sketch-books, seniors with puzzled faces, and pseuds with stroked chins. As is the norm in these situations the Gift Shop is filled with fantastically buyable yet ultimately futile items. I bought several of them.

Well done Wakefield. Classy museum.

I couldn't help but notice one of the schoolteachers taking a class around was dressed pretty sexily considering her vocation. As I moved closer (purely for observational reasons) I realised she'd been dusted with douchiness.

"I'm not in the habit of repeating myself .." she started a twatty call to action for the kids.

Sadly, 20 seconds later she started another phrase with "I'm not in the habit of repeating myself ..". Moot.

Monday, October 3


I met up with old friends Sally and Paul on Sunday.

We met at 1pm and I told my dad I'd give him a call in a few hours to arrange pick up from the local train station.

Just before midnight I called home to say I'd be crashing at Sally's house.

Finally went to bed at 2.30am, only for my alarm to start off before 7am.

I just had a hot bumpy train ride home with a hungover head and fizzing stomach. Sally and Paul both had a day at work. I had a sleep.

Estimated units of alcohol. 27.

On my last 3 trips home I've met up with old friends, and I don't think I've left Park Row in Leeds on any of them.