Thursday, March 29

That's heaven taken care of

One of my employees asked if he could run a few color copies for his church.

Being a humble man of the people who never talks about his charitable work I said yes.

At first glance this looks like a Jim'll Fix It letter written by a 9 year old.

God to richly bless me? I already own a color photo-copier for Christ sake, what more could I be blessed with?

I do like "Priest in Charge", I wonder if he has business cards?

Thursday, March 22

"Is that Richard?"

A Las Vegas number rang and on my phone last night. I answered.

Is that Richard Taylor?
Me: Yes
This is Richard Taylor also.
Me: No way. Hi
Did you order some shoes from Sanuk?
Me: Yes
So did I, and I think they sent yours to me here in Vegas
Me: Oh
I saw your number listed on the invoice, so I thought I'd give you a call
Me: Right on!
Yeah, I've been trying to put a fire up their ass for past 3 days.
Me: I'll give em a call too.
Would really appreciate it brother. So my shoes didn't arrive there huh?
Me: No. But I'll get on it.
Yeah, maybe if we go at em from 2 sides, we can put a fire up their ass
Me: Yeah
Your shoes look real nice but they're too small for me.
Me: Good to know
Keep me updated brother
Me: Will do man. Bu-bye

Things I learned about the Richard Taylor of Vegas.
a. He's a bad ass who puts a fire up the ass of authority.
b. He called me brother.
c. He has big feet
d. He likes blue shoes

Wednesday, March 21

Challenging the laws of mathematics

It's March Madness time in the US, where monkeys such as me and my co-workers stick pins in a bracket to choose which college basketball team is the best.

An overall win earns you the princely sum of whatever your colleagues pitch in, and bragging rights for a year that, "You know more about athletic young men than anyone else in your office."

The boffins at Yahoo make it easy for you to make your picks, and as a tie-breaker you have to predict the score of the final.

My plan was for Syracuse to beat Kentucky in the final, but just before I hit 'Submit' to lock in my choices I was told that something had happened to Syracuse's star player (don't know his name, what he did, or even care).

So I switched Syracuse for Kansas and decided that Kentucky would win the whole damn thing.

As the sharp eyed will notice, I have chosen Kentucky to beat Kansas by 82 to 89.

Apparently however, in basketball it's the team with the highest score that wins.

Monday, March 19

Shwit noise

I used to live in an apartment in Islington, London that didn't have cable. And because we rented we couldn't get satellite either.

It wasn't such a big deal. Anne and I had just married and we were both new to London, so we didn't need the TV that much anyway.

But I do remember spending a Sunday listening to the Ryder Cup on the radio. In fact it was a digital clock/radio with a pointlessly trivial antenna.

For years I've said that there is nothing more futile than listening to golf on the radio.

A sample of the commentary is, "He lines up, swings, shwit noise, and it's in the middle of the fairway".

I reassessed this long held belief this past weekend. Because at least with golf there are tangibles, like position, distance and a score that constantly changes.

This weekend on digital radio they featured women's slalom skiing.

You don't need to use your imagination because the commentary really was as you would expect.

"She going downhill, shwit noise, between the gates, shwit noise, this looks fast, shwit noise, but it's hard to tell."

Monday, March 12

Ooh. A new euphemism!

I was disgusted with this photo from Geekologie, until I realized that Meat Straw is an awesome euphemism.

Wednesday, March 7

Don't make me pull an analogy ...

I love my iPhone.

And because I was an iPhone 1.0 user I get to stay joined at the hip to AT&T. I'm grandfathered in on unlimited data. It's like having an ugly and lazy spouse who specializes in 'oral pleasure' ... you want to leave, but damn you'll miss those unlimited blow jobs.


Every time I travel overseas, which is usually 3-4 times a year, I give AT&T a call and speak to one of their friendly assistants to set up a temporary overseas text and data plan. I could do it on-line, but why risk screwing up when there is a room in Bangalore full of people to help me?

2 weeks ago I purchased a text plan and a data plan for Belize. It meant Anne could stay close to her new and growing business, and I could keep checking Facebook and the BBC website.

A few days into our vaca, Anne received a text from AT&T basically saying, "Why are you checking the internet lady? It costs $20 per e-mail". She called the International help, and it turns out AT&T don't have a deal with Belize to provide text and data.

I checked our account today. We owed $696. So I gave them a call.

Either Bangalore is recruiting 'Z-Snappers", or I got the US call center, because I spoke with an angry woman of color who doubled down every time she had the chance to say "Sir".

She could not get past the difference between AT&T not having an arrangement with Belize, and our ability to connect to the local 3G network. Her logic being that only AT&T can magically send internet waves into our calling devices.

I was close to pulling an analogy of "You sold me peas for $50, but when you took my money you revealed that you don't sell peas". In hindsight this would have confused her.

After 18 minutes of her help I was passed to International Assistance. During the holding time, angry lady came back on line to say "There's a man checking on your problem now". I had a slight yet guilty wave of chauvinism, and was thankful it was a man. In fact I hoped it was a 'man's man'.

The man took 42 seconds to refund me $498.

I'll call him next time I travel.

Tuesday, March 6

Sincerely Hana · Switcheroo

An incredibly simple but well executed concept, and besides, who doesn't want to see a tall guy in a short dress?

View the whole gallery through this link.

Monday, March 5

Lesbian carnivore rabbits of Cambridge

I've no idea why I wrote this in my travel journal, but as I look back on the rest of our week in Belize this was the 'go to' statement.

Also this is my fave photo of the trip. It's the view from our bed. And an exceptional fire hazard.

As my sunburn matured the peeling of skin was inevitable. On Thursday after a midday cold shower (in our amazing shower room with a fully vertical shower head no less), I lay on the bed letting humidity and heat do it's trick. 10 minutes later I was dry except for water droplets just under my chest. That's when I realized they were not droplets but the first bubbling blistering air pockets under my skin.

5 days later and I'm a grotesque patchwork of new and old skin. I have 9 specific areas of full on peel. Yuk/awesome!

Our trip was brilliantly relaxing. We hung out in the sun each day, read in the hammock and drank liberal amounts of rum punch. We got to see the wedding of a man in shorts and polo shirt, to a woman in full wedding regalia with 2nd degree burns from 2 days in the sun.

On the last few days my sunburn became my second least attractive skin feature. Sand flies went for the bottomless buffet that are my legs. My calves have more red dots than a Japanese flag factory.

Sadly I did not get to snorkel. When I write sadly I'm coming from the viewpoint of a guy who bought 4 underwater cameras on Amazon 2 weeks ago.

Finally, as we packed our bags and did one last check of our vacation home I opened a cabinet to find an assortment of inflated balloons. Who the fuck leaves balloons in a cabinet?