Monday, May 21

3 Strikes

I was stood in line at the American Airlines desk practising my upgrade speech. I'd just dismissed the idea of singing like Beyoncé in her Direct TV commercial, when I got a whiff of Axe/Lynx bodyspray.

I turned round to see a guy a few years older than me, accompanied by, and I'm guessing here, his wife and 3 daughters. It could have been 4 women from a combination yoga pants and bleached hair convention, but we'll stick with family for now.

"You've got to let me in before you, my flight is about to take off", he said. I did notice no "please" in the sentence, but I also figured my seasoned traveler and magnanimous human being pretence would only score me more upgrade points.

The check-in lady took their bags and printed out their boarding passes and said, "Your plane is boarding, you should hurry".

As they left I checked in (no upgrade), I walked to the security line. I've got Priority Access so I entered the short line before security. And once more the stupid 5 pushed in front of me. Christ knows how I got ahead of them. It's pretty hard to get lost walking in a straight line.

As you fan out to the various security machines, you make a choice based on several criteria ... shortest line; lack of children (hey let's try to fit the stroller on the conveyor belt); presence of Asians (very quick in my experience); and I usually aim for the butch TSA agent in the tight pants, because she just pushes everyone on through.

Choice made, and like some kind of modern day St Peter, the blond family jumped lines again, and pushed in front of me. As you'd expect 80% of them failed to take off all of their metallic objects.

Finally, through the body scanner, and re-attached to my shoes I looked up to see the idiots had missed their plane. Shame, shame, shame.

I headed for the gate but not before I spotted the Admiral's Lounge.

Armed with a boarding pass, an AA Gold card and an AA credit card I sauntered up to the desk and said, "Can any of these get me in here?" No, definitely no, and yes was the reply and so for an hour I was able to relax in air conditioned/free coffee/quiet zone.

I still didn't get the upgrade though.

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