Wednesday, January 23

Den of iniquity?

There's an office in the complex where I work at ground level, with a window by the main entrance.

For the past few weeks on the window ledge the following items have been on display.

A copy of 50 Shades of Grey
A bottle of Jergens lotion
A lumbar support
2 apples and 1 banana (provocatively arranged)

Monday, January 21

The difference between you and me

I had a fun day in Illinois last week. Which although factually correct is also the worst license plate slogan ever ... oh no it's not, because Idaho has 'potatoes'.

I drove to Peoria which has too many vowels for my liking. My meeting finished at 5pm, and the task in hand was to drive as fast as possible to Chicago to make dinner with family.

Just like the young marine in 'A Few Good Men', I made it there in double time.

The highlight of dinner was learning of a surprise drug-fuelled evening in the 1960s with a local politician and two of my relatives. As I don't write for LA Confidential, I won't be naming names!

A few after-dinner cocktails meant I checked in at my hotel at around midnight. The hipster establishment I chose was choc-full of ... well ... hipsters, drinking fashionable cocktails. It wasn't a school night so I should not judge.

With an early-morning flight home and in a semi-drunken stupor I set my mental alarm clock for 4.30am.

A speed shower had me checking out at 4.40am. The reveling trendies from earlier had all gone home (presumably to their loft apartments), but at the front desk were guys checking in.

I moved in close to see what kind of debauched individual checks into a hotel at 4.40am.

It turns out the 2 guys were middle-aged Scottish gentlemen. It also appeared that they were world-class DJs, as they name-dropped clubs in Tokyo, LA and Düsseldorf.

Alas my knowledge of famous Scottish DJs stops at Nicky Campbell so send your guesses for who these guys may have been on a SAE marked 'Jock DJs'.

Saturday, January 19

Choice Selection

We were standing in line at the check-out in our local supermarket today. As per usual I was suffering on the inside as the kids who pack bags demonstrated the spacial awareness of a retarded chimp.

Then I spotted the 4 items on the belt of the woman in front of me.

A bag of mozzarella
A Summer's Eve douche kit
A tub of Philadelphia
A product for making your white's brighter.

I just wished Caroline Aherne had been doing the check-out.

"Ahh, smelly snatch love?"

Thursday, January 17

Tonight I'm going to party like it's

2000 is a watershed rating in Scrabble. It marks you out as incredibly good.

Tuesday, January 15

Cum on feel the Boise

I visited a snowy Idaho last week ... where the potatoes come from.

What a nice place! Polite people, and picturesque scenery, except for the downtown which has ugly buildings.

This week I'm going to Peoria. The map looks like it is just outside Chicago, but then I checked the scale of the map.

3 hour drive.


I get to visit all the hot-spots.

Wednesday, January 9


Around the time I was 16 and living in the UK, the government withdrew dentist visits from the National Health Service.

Consequently, I never went to the dentist again.

I hate that this proves the generalization Americans have about Brits and their rotting teeth. But then again, I never had a problem, so I never went.

But today, armed with a new healthcare plan for 2013 and living within a stones throw of a bunch of dentists I broke the sequence.

A 45 second walk from my house took me to a spectacularly well designed dental office.

The dental assistant asked the dreaded question. My answer of 26 years did not seem to spook her.

I swear as a kid the whole thing took about 10 minutes, but today I had almost 2 hours of x-rays, followed by the bingo game where they shout out only, 1s, 2s and 3s. Then she scraped, flossed, and buffed my teeth.

The result? She thought I had wonderful teeth and said I took good care of them.

So fuck you America and your dental racism towards your Mother country!

Will it be 2039 before I visit again?

No, I'm going back in a few weeks for a filling ... I had a 4 among all of the 1s, 2s and 3s.

Monday, January 7

Not all holidays are alike

For the uninitiated, there is a chain of stores in the US called Christmas Tree Shoppes.

The place is open all year round, and they sell generic crap for almost every holiday imaginable.

 We took a walk around just after Christmas and they were already selling Valentine's Day and St. Patrick's Day shit.

 I know. Neither are really holidays, but it doesn't stop idiots from decorating their home and garden with poorly manufactured novelty tat.

 Of course there is an actual holiday in the US this month - Martin Luther King Jr Day.

 Why don't Christmas Tree Shoppes sell I have a dream(catchers)?


Sunday, January 6

Thursday, January 3

Christmas is dead

We bought 2 trees this year, one for inside the house and one to sit prettily in our pergola.

The whole buying, transporting, erecting and dressing of the trees was one big clusterfuck of annoying bullshit. So when it came to tearing the trees down I hoped the process would be somewhat cathartic.

Not so.

Last night we tackled the inside tree. By the time we had unscrewed the base and carried it outside half the pine needles were dispersed over the floor, rug and drapes.

The other half were stuck in my jacket.

This morning we took the outside tree down, only to realize that the base of the tree was thoroughly stuck inside the stand. Unsurprising considering the current temperature - 10°F.

I wore a different jacket to carry this one to the sidewalk - it's nice to have 2 jackets that smell pine unfresh.

Here you see the 2 tree corpses on the sidewalk outside the house.

The car on the left belongs to our cleaners who had just pulled into the empty space. At the time of the photo, they had no clue they were about to enter a house full of pine needles.

If you look carefully you can see a bicycle tied to the post. That doesn't belong to me neither. A guy who lives 4 doors down, or to put it a different way, 6 lampposts down, prefers to attach his bike (Terry Waite style) to the post outside my house.


I'm losing mine. Partially.

It's weird, I can remember that the shitty song, Memory, from 'Cats' contains a bizarre 10/8 time signature towards the end of each verse, but I cannot remember why I walked upstairs 5 minutes ago.

Yesterday (don't worry I'm not going to keep referencing old songs) I had a meeting at work and completely forgot the name of someone I've been working with for the past 2 months.

Of course, when you do forget stuff it's fun to re-learn or be reminded of it later on. My sister got be a new Prince biography for Christmas, so I'm currently listening to a pile of bootleg songs from the 80s.

On the other hand, over Christmas, my parents watched the video from my 1992 trip around California. They seemed to enjoy the youthful exuberance of their son. I just winced at the jokes ... half of them being not very good, and half of them still in my repertoire!