Wednesday, February 27

Does it go to 11?

Last time we headed back to Cleveland, Anne's brother Russ and his wife Christine were raving about a heated mattress cover they had purchased.

I'm blessed with warmth and radiance, but Anne has feet colder than a penguin.

Last week our heated cover arrived, and each subsequent night I head upstairs about 20 minutes before we go to bed and turn the wonderful contraption on.

There are 2 controllers, one for each side of the bed, and we've found that 5 takes care of business.

I turn mine off before going to sleep. Anne, who laughs in the face of fire security sometimes keeps hers on, or if she wakes in the middle of the night, she'll give herself an extra blast of heat.

Best purchase of the year contender, and we are still in February!

Tuesday, February 26

Bullshit downgraded to Idiot

I was breaking up the jigsaw last night and spotted the missing piece sat on top of the completed puzzle.

I feel so silly.

Monday, February 25

Homme de papier?

Sorry to sound like a dick, but the animated short that won the Oscar is strangely similar to Le Ballon Rouge ... only Le Ballon Rouge did it with real people!

I think the kid on the train towards the end is a knowing wink to this. Maybe Disney think that counts as pastiche, I prefer to go with rip-off.

That's all.

Sunday, February 24

This is bullshit

I keep quiet about being an international jigsaw solver.

But once again I found myself completing a jigsaw only to find a piece missing.

Although there was a duplicate piece of the puzzle, so I cannot complain that it was not a 1,000 piece jigsaw.

Anne said I should write a strongly worded letter, but I think her real worry is my jigsaw expenses are spiraling out of control and I've lost sight of reality.

I did this jigsaw in an afternoon. I put it down to my expertise in packaging, but it may also be that I'm a heavy consumer of chocolate.

Friday, February 22

Bit of a Headache?

I'm going to England soon to visit my old boss.

Whenever I used to head back for work, my orders were to always bring a bottle of A1 Steak Sauce, and a box of 300 81mg WalMart brand aspirin.

Now he's retired I don't get to see my old boss as much.

So the order increases in volume.

This is what 3,000 aspirin looks like. I'm pretty sure in the UK you can only buy 12 at once, for fear of someone using them to commit suicide.

After 10 minutes in WalMart I felt suicidal, unfortunately drinking a whole bottle of Steak Sauce just gives you bad gas.

Saturday, February 16

Wow. That's so awkward

Anne and I went to see Pink Martini tonight. As usual it was a good show, although they appear to have developed an annoying habit of asking people on stage to dance, sing and even play piano.

Tonight they had Turks and Greeks each singing national folk songs, and because it was Chinese New Year they asked if anyone knew a specific Chinese song.

Quick as a flash a Chinese guy vaulted on the stage, grabbed the mike and prepared to sing with the band. And then a few moments later a couple of older women walked onto the stage from the more conventional staircase entrance.

I did a double-take realizing they were not Asian, but then my immediate liberal sensibility kicked in and told me that you don't have to be Chinese to know the words to a Chinese folk song.

But evidently the whole of the crowd were somehow sensing the same thing, and one of the women must have picked up on this vibe.

So she did the worse thing possible.

She placed her index fingers on her eyes and pulled outwards making the crude visualization of an Asian.

The crowd went crazy. I'm going with a 80/20 split of boo vs laugh.

To her credit she sang the song well, but it was super awkward, especially for the band member who shared a microphone with her. He is Japanese.

Monday, February 11

Julie Burchill

Julie certainly was, and maybe still is, one of the great observers of modern pop culture. I've just gone silly on Amazon - as I plan to re-read all of her books.

Her writing in NME and The Face in the 80s was some of the most acerbic entertainment you'll ever read, and her newspaper columns in subsequent decades manage to change my opinions on subjects.

But the most shocking thing on her recent Desert Island Discs appearance was her voice. It is squeakier than a kid's toy. It's tricky to process her intellectual observations when all you can visualize is a plastic trinket from China.

Monday, February 4

Look at me!

It appears there is something more tedious than receiving a photo of a friend's baby at Christmas (without a handwritten note).

It's, "Hey look at me, I'm about to give birth". I don't want to see your 9 month pregnancy bump as you close your eyes and are shot in moody black and white by a hack local photographer.

I'm glad you're happy and expectant, just don't fucking share it with me, or worse still post on Facebook where your moronic friends will post "You go girl", or "You've never been more beautiful".

There is a reason we all called Demi Moore a narcissistic fucktard.

And it makes you a photocopy of a narcissistic fucktard.

In the words of Garfunkel & Oates - Pregnant Women are Smug.

Friday, February 1

We can all make charts

Cambridge Police announced a dip in crime rates in 2012.

I guess it all depends on how you define crime.