Tuesday, April 29

Bump

I was involved in a low-speed (actually no-speed) car-crash this evening. The guy behind me at the junction rolled into the back of me.

We both got out to quickly assess the damage and agree a better place we should exchange details. The chick behind him honked her fucking horn. In the words of the great Maya Angelou, "Bitch please".

The poor guy was super sorry. I think he automatically expects me to develop a chronic neck condition in the next 12 hours.

My car looks a little weird with one of the bumper cameras sticking out sideways. I was hoping it would give me a crazy view on the reversing monitor but it doesn't show anything.

I kind of feel sorry for the guy. It's no longer a bumper, it's the whole back section of the car plus all the crazy camera stuff that cars come with these days.


Monday, April 28

Humorous Abortion Post

Stuck in traffic on the way to the airport this morning I was longingly staring at the High Occupancy Vehicle (HOV) Lane.

You need 3 people to ride in the lane.

And I got thinking about the anti-abortion crowd who when they're not firebombing doctors always roll out the "Life starts when the sperm fertilizes the egg" theory.

So what's to stop a lady commuter who did the business with her man a few nights ago from using the same tack to hog the HOV Lane?

Prove I don't have twins in my uterus Oakland PD traffic cop!

Saturday, April 26

Who got married. We did!

Today is our 18th Wedding Anniversary. So we headed down to the Bay Area where it all began.

First we met up with Anne's old roommate Kathleen and reminisced about the things neither of them can remember. Don't do drugs kids.

Then we swung by the East Bay to visit Kim and Jay, their cat Bruin and their 6 chickens. Cluck-tastic!

Finally (after a speedy drive to make our reservation time) we finished in San Francisco at Hubert Keller's Fleur De Lys. Just the one Michelin Star but Anne has boldly stated that it was her greatest ever culinary experience (after the pick n mix at Muswell Hill cinema).

Every day of our trip has been wonderful, but this was my favorite by far.

Friday, April 25

A Wafer Thin Mint?

Oh God! I ate so much tonight.

We couldn't get in at French Laundry, Thomas Keller's 3-star Michelin gaff, so we roughed it in his elegant Bouchon a few houses down the road in Yountville.

Truffles, breads, rich meats, and a dessert to die for. You get the picture.

Muddy Waters

It was a bit rainy this morning so we chose to do 2 awesome things you do when it's raining.

Eat incredible baked goods, and visit a spa.

Thomas Keller's Bouchon is our destination tonight, but first we popped into the bakery next door. I love a macaroon, so you can imagine how happy 6 make me.

But this was just a pitstop on our way to Calistoga for a mud bath!

The website looked super-glam, with soothing music and great-looking couples enjoying treatments together.

The mud bath. The clue is in the name. Not a wrap or a smothering. No. A bath. A tub. A vat of filthy mud ... in a room that looks like a place where they water board.


You actually float, and if you sink your feet way down the temperature at the bottom is too much. We did about 15 minutes in the L shaped tub, during which time I silently considered how often they empty this thing. I came up with somewhere between annually and never.

Next we showered (in the same cell) while the spa helper hosed down the floor. Glamorous or what?

Actually, before we showered I had to get out of the mud bath. Not a graceful move. I couldn't get enough traction and as I reached back to grab the rail by the wall I missed and went deep into the mud. It was almost a Bond villain death.

Post shower we hopped into the jacuzzi* for a 15 minutes chance to grab a staph infection. The idea is that the bubbles get to the nooks and crannies even the shower head cannot reach. Delightful. I chose to elegantly get out as the spa helper came back in. She must love my ass.

I don't think they drain the jacuzzi either.

And then you finish with 20 minutes of whale music in a dark room covered in the stuff they wrapped dead Egyptians thousands of years ago.

Afterwards I felt my skin was a bit smoother. It's supposed to get rid of your toxins but I had mine removed in Vegas a few weeks back.

Then again, I was probably covered in the toxins of the previous mud-bathers.

*The Jacuzzi family own a vineyard in Napa. When you enter their building you turn left for wine tasting and right for olive-oil tasting. We were told in no uncertain terms to always turn right!

Thursday, April 24

Premeditated Disappointment?

Today we hit Napa Valley. Just driving around in good weather makes me so happy. We had no plans to wine-taste until we saw a vineyard we recognize from the 'less than $10' section of the liquor store.

Of course they roll out the good stuff and as my Dad rightly predicted we ended up buying a $70 bottle, even though we cannot ship it home. Massachusetts still thinks it's 1641 when it comes to booze.

A little tipsy from the tasting we could have used some food, but we were fasting for the first of 3 eagerly anticipated restaurant nights.

Bottega

I don't usually look at restaurant reviews but for some reason I did before tonight's dinner at Bottega. The reviews weren't so good for what is a nationally recognized restaurant and chef.

When we arrived the restaurant looked great, we were seated and waited for menus with anticipation.

Our server looked like golfer/walrus impersonator Craig Staedler. It turned out he was also impersonating a platinum-grade twat.

It started when Anne asked what the risotto of the day was and instead we got the long drawn out description of all of the specials.

When we came to order we decided to skip antipasti and he flipped out. I asked for truffle fries and he said that it would be too much.

Anne's risotto arrived and he went through a whole douche routine about how the chef had told him what to say. Just fuck off is what Anne's eyes were saying, but not everyone can read them.

The risotto was too salty. For her next course Anne got the duck. It was dry. How can you do that with the fattiest of meats?

Our waiter came up to me as I finished my entrée and said "Think you should have got the truffle fries?" I ignored the fuckwit as he told Anne what dessert she should get.

We didn't get dessert (at least not from Bottega).

What a let down!

Wednesday, April 23

Going back to Cali

And off we go to Napa with a crazy idea of buying a winter home. Are we that old already?

Well we're not as old as the lady walking in front of us as we head down the jet-way. She moves like hot tar on a cold day. In heels.

We had some chatty fucks behind us on the plane. One chick was dead-set on showing all of her surrounding peeps a photo of "What Coachella looks like". It looked like a stupid cow with a blurry smartphone camera.

Finally land at San Francisco and we jump on the futuristic monorail to the car rental office that feels like it is in Daly City (you're on that long).

The (Asian) woman next to me thought it a good idea to video the journey through the front window. Brian De Palma called, he wants his tracking shot back.

Checking in an at Avis and we got an upgrade. But it was my darling Anne who noted that we didn't get an upgrade we just got a bigger car. "It's still a fucking Ford", she stated in her German-centric idea of what an upgrade should be.

Our first view of Napa is that it's rather nice. I've yet to see a man with a sweater jauntily clad around his shoulders. There's time yet.

Our hotel is cool. Wine when we arrived, cocktails on the deck, pine flooring in the room, one of those shower heads that comes down from the ceiling. I'm easily pleased. I even dig the TV that spins around 180° from bed to sofa.


Monday, April 21

to-do list for today

Haircut
It appears that Jesus specifically died to save hairdressers from their sins.

I drove around town yesterday looking for a place to get my haircut. All closed! Admittedly I was only looking in the $15 or less places.

Seriously? All the single mother's who usually cut my hair are big fans of JC?


Avoid the whole Marathon hoopla
The helicopters woke me up at 6am.

The TV screens in our lobby are reporting that "the spectators are better than ever", I guess we must have changed channels to Sanctimony TV.

Big events usually screw up my commute. I'm expecting traffic to move slower than an Alabama cop investigating the death of a black kid tonight.


Come home in a good mood
Given the other 2 things on the list it could be tough, but Anne has the 'LoveCat Ladies' around tonight and they don't need an irate Englishman barging in on their dinner spitting out expletives.

Plus they always leave leftovers which will be more nutritious than the Mini Eggs I've had for dinner the past 3 nights.

Sunday, April 20

Magic Darts



A Bullseye reference and the greatest Sid Waddell quote ever. "There's only one word for that ..."

And if we're talking Sid Waddell don't forget this one as Eric Bristow wrapped up another Darts World Championship.

"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer..... Bristow's only 27."

Saturday, April 19

A Die Hard situation

I'm at work today. I work in an office complex with a computerized keyless entry system.

There is a security person (today a large lady of color!) stationed in the lobby but at no point as I waited for the elevator did she notice me.

I could have been carrying weaponized anthrax and a bazooka but she had her head down probably playing Candy Crush.

When I reached my office I realized I'd left my phone down in the car.

Back down, out and back in. Still she didn't see me .. or the aryan, strong, lean gentleman who entered the elevator with me and proceeded to speak German on his phone.

I swear he looked down to see if I was barefoot.

A few hours in there is no sign of a hostage situation, but I'm running to the bathroom in a serpentine fashion. Just in case.

Thursday, April 17

Poor writing

Given how poorly I write myself, this is a subject dear to my heart.

I spotted this headline on the BBC website. Don't use the word penalty when it also has a football specific definition.

The headline could be interpreted that the chief FIFA douche Sepp Blatter wants to introduce penalty kicks that include a racist component.

And Messi tucks away the penalty as he drops the n-bomb. Gooooaaaaaallllllllllll.

What's next? Anti-semetic tennis serves?

Wednesday, April 16

Make this stupidity stop

The temperature touched 80° F on Monday so why did I have snow on my windshield this morning?


Sunday, April 13

Why would you grow that?

Sat near a guy at the airport last night who was sporting a Hitler mustache. Worse still his beard was grey so I can only presume he dyed his mustache.

Creepy!


Friday, April 4

Three-peat

Stuck behind 3 Chinese girls today in Starbucks.

Girl 1: Almond latte please?
Starbucks guy: Huh?
Girl 1: Almond latte please?

Starbucks guy reels off lattes they offer and a hazelnut latte is chosen

Starbucks guy: How about one of our new sandwiches?
Girl 1: Huh? Don't understand
Starbucks guy: Our new sandwiches? One of them has ham! (my exclamation not his)
Girl 1: No

Girl 2: Almond latte please?
Starbucks guy: Huh?
Girl 2: Almond latte please?

Starbucks guy reels off lattes they offer and a hazelnut latte is chosen ... again

Starbucks guy: To celebrate 20 years in Boston we're offering an extra espresso shot.
Girl 1: Huh? Don't understand
Starbucks guy: OK. Never mind

Girl 3: Almond latte please?
Starbucks guy: Huh?
Me: Fuck me!
Girl 1: Almond latte please?

Starbucks guy reels off lattes they offer and a hazelnut latte is chosen for the 3rd time

Me: Grande decaf in a venti cup.
Starbucks guy: Sure. (seriously? No cross-sell to someone who can speak English?)
Me: I think they wanted Almond milk.
Starbucks guy: Oh. Makes sense now.

3 Chinese girls scuttle off looking up lactose intolerance on their smartphones.

Wednesday, April 2

Cough and Drop

Man am I sick.

Sleep deprivation and secondhand smoke have kicked my ass into submission. I slept for 10 hours last night. Got up to cancel my dentist appointment and went back to bed for another 5 hours.

Managed 2 hours (work, not sleep) at the office before leaving early!

When I cough my lungs hurt and my head feels like it's going to explode.

I've taken 2 Ibuprofen.

Tuesday, April 1

No Fool

I managed my 10,000 steps a day average in March.

With aplomb!