Friday, May 30

Unicorns not pictured

On my drive home tonight we had some double rainbow action!

The 9/11 Museum ...

... has removed a commemorative cheese plate. 

Tiny hearts show where the planes crashed.

What the fuck happened to Alaska and Hawaii?

Worst commemorative idea since the Zurgrueggen furniture chain ran their Hitler mugs ... last month.

Artisan Bread. Art School Typography.

It might be a different kind of bakery but it's run of the mill typography.

You could park a bus between the A and the V.

Kern it!

Thursday, May 29


I started singing Mr Loverman last night.

I thought Anne was responding with a well placed "Shabba", instead it was just "Shh".

Sunday, May 25

Notes from a long walk

I decided to walk to my office today. It's 4.8 miles each way and it provided plenty of action in route.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day so I spotted 3 marching bands practicing their moves.

Next I got a call from my credit card company. Looks like I've been hijacked again. I had to listen to the rep tediously read out all 12 of the false transactions made on my card. One was for a specialist 'Asian Lady' site. The rep said "A-ha" in a slightly different tone when I said no to that one.

I saw a black woman wearing an eye-patch who wasn't Gabrielle. Bitch stole my look!

Just outside my office a gaggle of geese had sat their fat asses down on the sidewalk and refused to budge as I approached. Radicalized!

In the office as usual the crack security officer didn't look up as I entered.

On the way back home I ran into a bunch of Tarquin and Tarquinesses doing some sort of Sunday special club at their Montessori school. Precocious!

On Harvard Common 3 Japanese men were laying on the ground photographing one child in what I can only presume was some type of Godzilla-Child pastiche.

10 minutes later I passed a woman wearing a Top Chef baseball cap. Maybe a fan, or maybe connected with the show. They're filming in Boston right now!

Finally I walked past the Polish-American club that has been converted into an old-time bar for the Whitey Bulger movie starring Johnny Depp. No sign of Johnny, but plenty of gruff blokes in black t-shirts lugging heavy shit around.

Monday, May 19

Stupendous Weekend

Last Monday I was shopping on-line for a birthday present for my sister and coming up short.

Then I realized that my workload was light-ish (meaning I wouldn't have to work the weekend), so I thought, "Why not fly to the UK for my sister's birthday party on Saturday night?"

Permissions granted (wife, parents), I booked the last flight out of Boston at 10.45pm on Friday night.

Pre-flight I hung out in the BA lounge (wi-fi password Budapest in case you're interested) with mostly business-speak Brits, all resplendent in their v-neck sweaters and expensive jeans.

The flight itself was great. I slept for 5 hours, only waking when the flight attendant shoved a cup of coffee under my nose.

When you fly Business you're given a FastTrack pass through passport control. It's only FastTrack if Heathrow assign more than one officer to the FastTrack channel. They didn't. Consequently it took an age to get through passport control. I'm doubly stupid because I also had my UK passport which would have got me through in SuperFastTrack!

Adding to my woes were the wheelchair bound passengers (stay with me here), who hadn't filled out their Customs forms but were allowed to write them without going to the back of the line.

Next was a highlight. Into the BA Lounge, and you can get a shower and change of clothes.

You have to provide your own change, it's not like BA give you jeans and t-shirt while you shower.

I still had time for a quick look-see in the Duty Free. I needed a simple dark t-shirt. I bought an over-priced button down shirt instead. Power of retail!

Quick flight up to Leeds and Avis had saved me a Vauxhall Corsa - a perfectly fine car!

The airport is real close to where I used to work, so the drive to my parents house was a trip down commuting memory lane ... again not a real lane. Side note - there are several Memory Lanes in Massachusetts.

Afternoon at my parents house was time to see their new kitchen and watch the FA Cup Final.

And then party time. I hadn't told my sister or her family I was coming, so I was able to pull off the 'ta-da' moment when I arrived at the party. I think Lorraine was happy to see me!

I forgot one part of British partying, the long list of synchronized dance move songs. There was an hour where a bunch of increasingly drunken nurses (my sister's work-mates) owned the dance floor with seriously complex dance moves.

Luckily they all had Sunday morning off!

Next morning I had a nice few hours with mum and dad and a quick half hour with my surprisingly hangover free sister, before I headed back to the airport.

On the way I listened to reaction to England's World Cup squad. Years of corrective re-calibration of lowered expectation was shattered in 20 minutes of "Could this be our year?" Pretty sure the answer will be no.

The quick flight to London was livened up by an old lady who drank 8 shots of vodka during the 35 minute flight. She also complained 4 times, each time beginning with "I don't like to complain but ..."

My second day of Heathrow shopping was magazine and Cadbury's orientated for Anne.

I'd planned to visit Gordon Ramsey's airport restaurant, but it was closed because a pipe burst.

I'd booked to fly home Economy, but as I boarded the flight attendant said, "Ah, 24B, we've some good news for you." And indeed they did as I snuggled into my fully reclining seatbead in Business class.

And that's how I spent 24 hours in the UK for my sister's birthday. Happy 50th Lorraine!

Friday, May 16

Thanks Congressman

May 15, 2014

Ms. Ann Taylor
15 Charlotte Road
Swampscott, Massachusetts 01907-2632

Dear Ms. Taylor:

One of my top priorities as a member of Congress is staying in touch with my constituents.  There are three ways to connect with me online: by following me on Facebook ( and Twitter (, and signing up for my periodic e-mail updates (  Each allows me to maintain my commitment to hearing your thoughts and opinions, and to provide important information from Washington, DC and across our communities.   
As always, please do not hesitate to contact me or my Peabody office at (978) 531-1669 if we may be of assistance.

We moved from Swampscott 10 years ago, so staying in touch is hardly the Congressman's top priority is it?

He might also add spelling his constituents name correctly to his to-do list.

Wednesday, May 14

The Great Outdoors

I hate camping. Too many crappy outings when I was in the Boy Scouts.

And Anne's version of roughing it is 3-star hotels.

But this just might change my mind ...

... until a wolf attacks the tent in the middle of the night.

Tuesday, May 13

I'm sorry I could not help you, little bird

Stumbled upon this sad yet touching story on my way out of work last night.

Monday, May 12

Maradona vs the Ayatollah

The tickets arrived today so my World Cup trip is on!

Close your eyes and think of all those world famous Iranian footballers taking on the plucky no names of Argentina.

It could get Messi. Boom!

Sunday, May 11

Eurovision Time

Enjoyed a little bit of home from home today.

We hosted a small Sunday afternoon Eurovision Party which meant rolling out a bunch of Euro-trashy foods and beers which matched perfectly the acerbic put-downs flying around.

What's not to love about a bearded lady winning a continent wide competition, East/West political tensions brewing, and the merits of San Marino - Castle or Country?

Better yet, for once my sister didn't tell me who won before I watched the show, and France came last.

Rise like a Phoenix was a worthy winner, sung by Jesus in a dress. And Conchita Wurst appears to be a multi-lingual slang translation of small vagina and penis.

Zut alors!

Saturday, May 10

Random Fandom

You cannot help be amused as you walk around the city.

No Shoes?
I'd hate to be a children's entertainer specializing in making balloon animals.

It's up there with weather forecaster for jobs that combine pointlessness with self-aggrandizing.

This guy was out on the common teaching the kiddies how his balloon sculpture was a certain breed of dog. Fucking numbskull. With his wacky get-up I was hoping he'd be wearing clown shoes. But he disappointed me. Again.

To be fair he has a nice watch and cufflinks. Perhaps during the week he's a weatherman.

If you're going to drop 6 figures on a car then you might has well go the whole fuck you route and get the license plate MMMMMM.

Or perhaps he (because let's be honest only a middle-aged guy would buy this car) is a fan of the 90s band Crash Test Dummies.

Either way he's a dick.

I see this guy a couple of times a week as I walk around Fresh Pond.

Look, I know it takes massive strength to cross-country ski. But it takes even bigger balls to do it in spring on dry land.

As a bonus he has a huge hole in the armpit of his t-shirt. And what's not to love about the whiff of sweat as he swishes past me.

1 Part Groan. 1 Part Well Played Sir!
This is the name of a sushi place on Mass Ave in Central Square.

You know the place must be filled with precocious twats but it makes me smile.

Thursday, May 8

Still Genius

I'm re-listening to the Chris Morris Radio Show.

Dead Johnny Walker, Kiddies Outing, Alice Cooper calling Sybil Roscoe an enormous twat, and airport announcements of people with swear words for names. 

It's all good surreal fun. 

Here's the Top Ten Dance Chart from 20 years ago.

New at number 10, last week’s 6
Discombobulate Eight with Who’s Operating Colin?

There is no Number 9

Straight in at 8 for
P-Rinse and Boy you’ve got to be the most, I mean, how nice can you get?

49th week at #7 it’s still there for
Estrogen Blag-Daddy with Bring Me a Chicken

Down 12 at 6 there they sit
Urbane Bookie Collective with Dreamy Twat

And also at number 6
Dennis Helium with his remix of ELPs Anesthetics at the Birth of a Potato

Up more than I care to say with their first major number 5 it’s
Love Minus Petrol and Blundering Around in a Tent
Up 12 1/2 a brand new #4 for
Beast of Beetroot with I’m Mr Self-Loathing

At 3, no move for
The Playtex Chin and Recordings of Newsagents Biros

At #2 it re-enters the chart for the 19th time in this position it’s a fine slice of ambient psycho for
Simultaneous Beans with Here, Climb into these Stirrups

So here it is, a massive new #1, and I can tell you I haven’t been anywhere in the last fortnight where it hasn’t blown someone open.
Brewed Tea and the Eye-Level remix of Very Loud Twit