Wednesday, July 30

Triangle Time

So we went to Bermuda last week.

The highlights were:

Game Show on the plane.
Our flight attendant, imagine if Erin Andrews was from Revere, was the quizmaster testing us on Massachusetts facts. We used our attendant buzzers to guess the correct answer. The winner won an 'adult beverage'. Adult beverage in dick quotes because it came with a boom-boom booty shake from the flight attendant.

2 Hour flight. 2 Hour wait in Customs
Might as well fly 4 hours to Puerto Rico and then just walk straight to the taxi line. Instead we shuffled slowly. The guy behind me would not shut up complaining. I would not shut up complaining about him complaining. Anne read her book. The other guy's wife pretended to be pregnant so that they could jump the line. Twats!

Like tar on a hot day
When we finally reached the passport guy he was a slow mover and his computer was running Windows 98. After 10 minutes he finally stamped our passports and then asked me back. Apparently there is a known Bermudan fugitive named Richard Taylor. They wanted to check if I was him. I wasn't.

$50?
We'd booked a shuttle from the airport to our resort. Apparently I payed for a 'Zone 1' transit, but our resort being on the other side of Bermuda equals 'Zone 6'. $50 please.

Disco Inferno
Like the pale European idiot I am I managed to burn in the sun on the first day.
Update: 3 weeks later half my body is still peeling like a snake.

Marks & Spencer!!
We took a ferry ride to Hamilton and they have an M&S - woo to the hoo! Lot's of rich chocolatey treats and flavorful savory snacks!

Blue Drinks
There's not enough blue food in general but these sugary alcohol laden things hit the spot every time!

String Section
No, the resort did not have an orchestra, but a young woman in front of us on the sun-loungers did remove her sun-top without realizing the string on her bikini bottoms had also unfastened. How long was her ass on show? If it was toast it would have failed the 5 second rule.

Chickens & Turtles
A few chickens were strutting around the resort not realizing that their friends were on the menu each night. The turtles lived in a multi-storey pool and each day I would patiently await as one of them dived into the pool below.

Dick to Dick Move
On our last morning I had to listen to some blowhard tell his stupid crashing a moped story (it was the moped's fault) to multiple people in the lobby. So when it came to board our taxi to the airport I failed to mention that his cases were also in the trunk of our car. Our driver got a panicked call en-route. Ha!

Tuesday, July 29

Triangle Time

Anne didn't believe me that there used to be a Soap Opera in the 80s set aboard a North Sea Ferry.

Kate O'Mara's finest work!

Thursday, July 24

Precautionary Bite

Insects find me attractive.

No warm weather vacation is complete without a series of mozzie or ant bites.

So as I prepare to go away for a few days in sunny Bermuda it was nice to get 3 massive mosquito bites out of the way before I even hit the airport.


Wednesday, July 23

Twat alert

In front of me at my local coffee place this morning a chick asked for a steamed soy milk double shot latte with a burst of hazelnut.

2 minutes later as she sent the server off to get a wacky pie from the back of the store she sipped on her coffee and excalimed the milk was too hot. Not too cold. Too hot.

Instead of using the traditional format of either

a) blowing on it
b) waiting for it to cool

She went for the c option, and we know that the c stands for. Yes she demanded another, and the lady behind the counter obliged.

I hate this type of kiss-ass customer service.

Just say, "Next" and turn your head slightly to the left and ask me what I want.

Saturday, July 19

One more thing

Post 9/11 everyone started saying "safe travel", or "travel safe" whenever you schlepped off to the airport.

I had some colleagues who would even say it for the train.

This week in San Diego and Dallas the American Airlines staff in the lounge were saying, "Gentle travel".

I suppose this makes sense because AA representatives shouldn't be saying safe travels. That should be a given. But gentle travel? What's next? Soothing travel?

Friday, July 18

Joys of travel

I've been in San Diego the past few days.

Tuesday night a driver picked me up at the airport, asked me what I did for a living and then proceeded to tell me about his graphic design business. He made large format banners, and in his own words, "Mostly of big titties." 20 minutes later and he was still talking tits.

Hotel is lovely! Stayed here before, and it follows my hotel/wi-fi algorithm.

The more expensive the hotel the less satisfying the internet experience. Hotel was about $450 a night. wi-fi didn't work. I bet the wi-fi at the Red Roof Inn on the I-5 worked just fine.

Wednesday was a work day with a new client, but that didn't stop my business partner Maria having time to pose for this shot.

And then to Thursday. Up at 3.30am for 4am checkout. I had a 6.15 departure to Dallas.

If you looked at a map of the US for Thursday morning you would have seen there was no weather anywhere, except thunderstorms in Dallas.

Finally got on the plane at 8.30. Then the pilot told us we couldn't fly - Dallas has shut the airport. An hour later and no change so he let us off the plane to go buy (in my case) expensive 'artisan' chocolate.

There's been a few instances recently of high profile celebs giving up their business class seats to troops. Fuck that! The one army guy on our plane was a total tool and made inappropriate comments about going back to Fort Hood to shoot guns as he slammed his bag into the overhead compartment.

We finally took off at 11am. When I landed at Dallas 3 hours late for my connection ... that never took off I was confronted with a scene of mayhem! Everyone was playing catch up. Amazingly I got a flight that took off at 9pm.

Our flight attendant was a bit of a kook. Bringing around some steaming cocktails that looked like they were concocted in a mad scientist's lab. Nobody took one.

As we landed at 1.30am she tried being funny on the speaker system. I cracked a smile and then remembered I had parked in the economy lot and would need to get a shuttle bus.

Finally home about 2am. On a work day no less!

Sunday, July 13

Sad Pope

I saw someone bill the Germany vs Argentina World Cup Final as old Pope vs new Pope.

After Germany had won, the camera panned around the stadium, and I think I spotted the Pope from my earlier game in Belo Horizonte.

Bad luck Argentinian Pope.

Saturday, July 12

What's in your wallet?

Credit cards are like airlines, they're all pretty average and your favorite one is determined by how few times they fuck up.

Capital One are my United.

Earlier this year I noticed that my Capital One card had been compromised - a word I think we all lifted from binge-watching a few too many seasons of 24.

I was particularly happy because it meant that every one of my 3 credit cards had seen fraudulent charges over the previous 2 months. What can I say? I shop a lot at Target.

Months later, in fact on Memorial Day, I was enjoying an 8 mile round-trip walk to and from my office when Capital One called me to say that Card #2 had been attacked again.

Impressed that they had caught this one instead of me, I walked them through each fraudulent charge as I continued my hot and humid walk through Cambridge.

Card #3 arrived late May but it seemed like Capital One were slow to clear the fraudulent charges, so I didn't use the card in June.

By the end of June new fraudulent charges (I'm calling them fraud #3) had shown up on my statement so I called Capital One and they assured me this was just a hold-over from the previous fraud. I reminded them they had yet to remove the bad charges from May and they wiped them.

Happy and resolved I began to use Card #3 until last week when their fraud department called me again. It seems Card #3 was compromised with fraud #3 and they wanted to send out a new Card.

Given that I had not used Card #3 when fraud charges #3 occurred I had simple question. "How can I be sure that you won't screw up again?"

To paraphrase Capital One's fraud guy, "This time they would really tighten up their security process."

Obviously this annoyed me so I asked that they cancel my card and tell me my final balance so that I could pay off my outstanding charges.

He couldn't tell me that information. Instead he just re-explained what had transpired as if magically repeating the fuck-up would placate me 30 minutes into a phone call on a busy work day.

That's when I also decided to close my savings account with them.

Today is 10 days later. It's a sunny day and I already have a new credit card from another (probably just as bad) credit card company. 

Arriving home from another hot and humid walk around Cambridge I opened the mailbox to find, not one, not two, not three, but yes! Four letters from Capital One.

None of them were of any use.


Wednesday, July 9

Mmmm Ms Jones

The Dutch Diver Arjen Robben looks a bit like Leonard Rossiter as Rigsby from Rising Damp.


Saturday, July 5

Are the Celtics playing? No Idea

We live close to the Cambridge prison. It's an unconventional prison utilizing just the top 4 floors of a 24 storey high-rise in an otherwise low-rise neighborhood.

The prisoners are male, or deep-voiced lesbians. I know this because they sometimes shout down to Anne in our garden and ask her to take her top off. They never ask me.

I can tell when there's a basketball game on because they cheer every long-three.

But this is all in the past tense now, because the prisoners were moved out today to a nicer, less asbestossy, jail in the suburbs.

At least they got to see the July 4th fireworks one last time.

Our neighborhood continues to be radicalized to oppose every new direction the disused prison takes. Our one choice appears to be. Knock it down.

We did have some shocking news this week. One of the neighborhood leaders died. Word on the street is that he jumped off the Tobin. Yuk.

Here's a rendering of what the prison may finally look like.

Renders always look better than actual life!

Wednesday, July 2

Milquetoast

Because I'm such a great husband I went to see Bruno Mars with Anne tonight.

Bruno was fine, but the support act was Aloe Blacc. Milquetoast Aloe sounds like some type of pathetic herbal remedy. Appropro.

Let the record show that Aloe's real name is Egbert Nathaniel Dawkins III.

Aloe's chat between songs, and when he tediously 'broke it down' mid-song, was ... well .... tedious. When you keep mentioning the album you released 4 years ago you should not have to start your set with an audience participation "Throw your hands in the air, na na na na", type of refrain.

His intro to "I'm the Man" when he dropped Dr. Dre's name from such a great height that I'm shocked Compton didn't hear the splat was longer than the song itself.

Here's how I would have introduced it. "This is the one where I stole Elton John's chorus".

Next we had to spend 5 minutes listening to his process with Avici, before he sang his other hit.

All the while the big screen switched from PR headshot, to artist website, to an e-mail for a free song and finally the Aloe Black logo. When your logo is your most original artistic expression it's time to quit. Even his band looked like joyless guys paid by the hour who had to listen to his well-rehearsed 'ad-libs'.

At one point he asked the screaming teenagers to 'soul-clap'. They had no fucking clue.

I did, but still didn't.

I've seen James Brown, Prince and Bootsy Collins live, and none of those guys could get me to clap on cue so this talentless sack of air has no fucking chance.

Bruno was just fine. Entertaining showman-like performance ... although I could have done without the Asian teenager 3 seats down who had the bladder of a small rodent.