So we went to Bermuda last week.
The highlights were:
Game Show on the plane.
Our flight attendant, imagine if Erin Andrews was from Revere, was the quizmaster testing us on Massachusetts facts. We used our attendant buzzers to guess the correct answer. The winner won an 'adult beverage'. Adult beverage in dick quotes because it came with a boom-boom booty shake from the flight attendant.
2 Hour flight. 2 Hour wait in Customs
Might as well fly 4 hours to Puerto Rico and then just walk straight to the taxi line. Instead we shuffled slowly. The guy behind me would not shut up complaining. I would not shut up complaining about him complaining. Anne read her book. The other guy's wife pretended to be pregnant so that they could jump the line. Twats!
Like tar on a hot day
When we finally reached the passport guy he was a slow mover and his computer was running Windows 98. After 10 minutes he finally stamped our passports and then asked me back. Apparently there is a known Bermudan fugitive named Richard Taylor. They wanted to check if I was him. I wasn't.
We'd booked a shuttle from the airport to our resort. Apparently I payed for a 'Zone 1' transit, but our resort being on the other side of Bermuda equals 'Zone 6'. $50 please.
Like the pale European idiot I am I managed to burn in the sun on the first day.
Update: 3 weeks later half my body is still peeling like a snake.
Marks & Spencer!!
We took a ferry ride to Hamilton and they have an M&S - woo to the hoo! Lot's of rich chocolatey treats and flavorful savory snacks!
There's not enough blue food in general but these sugary alcohol laden things hit the spot every time!
No, the resort did not have an orchestra, but a young woman in front of us on the sun-loungers did remove her sun-top without realizing the string on her bikini bottoms had also unfastened. How long was her ass on show? If it was toast it would have failed the 5 second rule.
Chickens & Turtles
A few chickens were strutting around the resort not realizing that their friends were on the menu each night. The turtles lived in a multi-storey pool and each day I would patiently await as one of them dived into the pool below.
Dick to Dick Move
On our last morning I had to listen to some blowhard tell his stupid crashing a moped story (it was the moped's fault) to multiple people in the lobby. So when it came to board our taxi to the airport I failed to mention that his cases were also in the trunk of our car. Our driver got a panicked call en-route. Ha!