Friday, September 26

Eye, Eye, Eye, Eye

I had LASIK surgery today. Having managed to avoid LASIK surgery gone wrong videos on the internet I was relieved that all in all it went quite well.

This procedure created more legal documents than buying a house. The underlying message was, you chose this and if it goes tits up it's all your fault.

First you pop a valium. Then I was asked if I would like to have the surgery room blinds opened so that the reception area can see the procedure. I voted no on that one.

Once woozy, you then enter the room, lay down and they hand a teddy bear for you to hold on to. I found this strange, but it was better than having a stick placed between my teeth.

The procedure takes 10 minutes and is an elongated process of contraptions that hold your eye open, lots of droplets to keep the area wet, and .... the smell of burning when the laser hits your eye.

Once in a while the doc would say keep still, and in the background the laser operator chick shouted out random lines from a sci-fi B movie. "Laser optimized. Monitors set to moderate. Output reading 5.0".

Afterwards you can see! But then they stick you in a room for 30 minutes and tell you to close your eyes.

I left the building with plastic shields over my eyes as shown below. But I also had a pair of plastic wrap-around shades over the top.

I looked cool.

Monday, September 22

En Route to Phoenix

A business meeting today meant I had to leave Cleveland on a different flight to Anne last night.

I never go in the non-United part of the airport. It's much nicer.

I started with a shit-jumper to Chicago. Plenty of down on their luck Browns fans on-board, plus a nice woman with the 2 sassiest kids you ever saw. Basically they hit each other for 45 minutes.

In Chicago the line for the Phoenix flight is a jungle. This is why I avoid USAirways. I'm in Business Class but there's a riot going on because we're not getting a meal. We are flying from Chicago to Phoenix ... not walking.

As boarding continues I notice a few people deciding to get off the plane. So just before they close the doors the flight attendant says, "This is your last chance to leave."

The woman next to me flips the fuck out. She's already had 2 glasses of wine, "The red kind" was her direct quote.

She decides to stay, but spends the next 3 hours furtively looking out of the window.

I land in Phoenix. It's almost a 100 fucking degrees. As I leave the garage with my rental (a Jeep) a bat hits my windshield.

I'm booked into a resort that is so convoluted in layout it requires a degree in Orienteering. I'm overlooking the 'Adult' pool. Happy to report no adult activity as of 11pm last night.

Temp is a cool 79° in the room. AC is like a penguin farting.

This morning I took a 10 minute maze walk to the dining area. Resort is on the precipice of a cliff. Expect each turn to end with a 400ft drop.

Should have left a trail of twine because it took 15 minutes to get back.

Time to get my game face on and go do some work!

A heavily photoshopped version of where I'm staying!

Saturday, September 20


When we lived in London in the 90s there was a shitty TV commercial on local cable for converting jewelry into cash.

It 'starred' Oirish TV travel celeb Gloria Hunniford who demonstrated what cash looked like in the 2nd most classic pose you do with a cash prize.

The best pose is of course the money in the briefcase look, but the 2nd best is definitely the fan.

Today, we went to the new casino in Toledo (Go Rockets) with Anne's parents, and I won $800!

Here's the fan.

Tuesday, September 16


Everything was fine until they opened the doors.

Saturday, September 13

Little Late

We're having a LoveCats party tomorrow, so we've spent the week tidying up the house.

I found this calendar for 2011 underneath a pile of papers.


Friday, September 12

Decisions, decisions

The last few days Anne and I have been placing these pieces of paper in our pockets, in our hands and even making fake phone calls.

The result?

We're going small!

Wednesday, September 10

Just like Buses

You make one Frasier comment every 15 years and then another comes along a few days later.

A colleague of mine was flying back from the West Coast last night.

Because it was a red-eye she was in Business Class.

Who should sit next to her, but Kelsey Grammer!

He had a quick cocktail and then tried the seat recline. It wasn't up to his satisfaction.

So he finished his drink and got off the plane. As he left he suggested the airline in question should be ashamed to call the front few rows 'First Class'.

I hope they were listening. Boom!

If I'd have been on the plane I would have taken the chance to thank him for his cinematic masterpiece Down Periscope. It gets 12% on Rotten Tomatoes. At least 8% of those marks are from my parents.

Monday, September 8

That's a smart rabbit

Making sure to eat the grass in a dog-free zone.

Of course this only works for dogs that speak English ... ruling out French Poodles and German Shepherds!

Sunday, September 7

Happy Anniversary

Today is my parent's 51st wedding anniversary.

Way more importantly, it's also my dad's first ever day of fantasy football.

And he's going up against me in week 1.

He's currently leading by 10, but I've got pizza-pitchman and Forrest Gump sound-alike Peyton Manning throwing for me tonight. This will be close.

Friday, September 5

Raheem Sterling

The Little Richard of football?

The kid's good but he runs like he's waiting for his nail polish to dry.

Thursday, September 4

Football Baby

We've only had the TV on for 10 minutes and Rodney Harrison has already mocked Tony Dungy.

I love Rodney Harrison almost as much as I despise homophobic skull-head Tony Dungy.

It's great to be back!

Tuesday, September 2

We're gonna party like it's 1999

When we lived in London we had a 14" portable TV at the end of the bed.

We also had a weirdo cable feed and one of the channels was Paramount who would repeatedly play episodes of Frasier every night.

It became a bit of a late night ritual to fall asleep to Kelsey Grammer.

Cut to the present and Anne still requires background noise to fall asleep.

In the last few years she's gone through the whole back catalog of Seinfeld and Mary Tyler Moore to soothe her to sleep and now we're back to Frasier.

We're already up to Season 6 and they never fail to send Anne to sleep.

Monday, September 1

Colour Co-ordinated

I love that the guy who hit the Sky Sports reporter with a dildo outside the Everton ground on transfer deadline day chose one in his team colours.