Wednesday, October 29

Monday, October 27

Obviously a Dog Terrorist

In massively stupid news it appears that Downton Abbey may kill off the Earl of Grantham's dog.

Because his name is Isis.

Friday, October 17

No unicorns. Just rainbows

My eye surgery has certainly made my eyesight better, but I still have beams of rainbows bearing down from any light source.

It's trippy to begin with, but after 4 weeks the appeal wanes.

Monday, October 13

Sunny Spells, Scattered Showers

Very unusual weather here.

Sunny spells AND scattered showers.

This has been the weather forecast consecutively for the past 1,693 days.

Thursday, October 9

Good Morning London

I'm opposite the wonderfully named Sam Widges.

This is my first time in the new Kings Cross station. My oh my it got fancy.

Returning home gets trickier each visit as you realize your own reality is becoming more and more redundant with each passing year.

Chip and Pin credit cards have been the norm in the U.K. for about 10 years now, but every time I use my U.S. credit card they have to dust off the old ker-chunk blue-paper copy machine from under the counter.

But I recently got a new credit card that in typical U.S. fashion decided that Chip and Pin was one too many things. This fucker is just Chip.

So as I stood in line at WH Smiths with a bottle of Ribena and a bag of McCoys Crisps (the healthy way to start any morning) I was impressed to see the guy in front of me just wave his card at a machine with some type of radio-wave/wi-fi signal on it.

I strolled up and did the same. Nothing. I could feel the eyes of busy commuters behind me. The chick behind the counter was as much use as a dick made of jelly.

Eventually she said, "Try sticking it in the machine". "Where?", I replied.

Her eyes rolled more than a car transporting Princess Diana.

In the end I had to sign. Immediately after she asked if I wanted a bag. "Sure" I replied.

"It'll be 5p", she said as I noticed the credit card only sign.


I exited and immediately walked into a wonderful scene.

A middle-aged guy (who I imagine I would have looked like if I'd had kids) was balancing 2 large coffees on top of each other as his little princess daughter in white tights and Mary-Janes tugged at his coat.

As he tried to wiggle away she became more demanding (think Veruca Salt in the Willy Wonka movie) and managed to make him knock over the top coffee on his little stack of two.

The coffee spilled over his hand, into his bag, over his laptop and finally came to rest on the shiny new station floor.

His caveman instinct erupted for a split second as he moved to club the little shit to death but of course in true modern-parent mode he didn't even shout. Instead under his breath he gently berated her as he wagged his finger. She grabbed the finger and bent it backwards.


Wednesday, October 8

Logan Airport

Not everyone knows that Boston's airport was named after Johnny Logan, who of course won the Eurovision Song Contest twice (in your face Celine Dion).

I'm heading to England today.

I was surprised in these times of terrorism that IS is still allowed to maintain it's Duty Free Shops.

I don't know, one minute they're creating an Islamist State in South East Syria. You turnaround and there they are selling you an over-priced pen.

Next stop for me was the BA Business Lounge. In Boston this means a walk of shame down a smelly corridor past the Lufthansa Lounge.

Their Wi-Fi password this month? singapore.

Blaring out on CNN is the usual mish-mash of news surrounding international terrorism, airplane-spread Ebola, and a fluff piece on Ryan Reynolds.

Even I set limits on how many times I go up and grab a saucer full of free snacks, so I head back down the corridor.

By the elevator is this exit door.

Did they put up enough signs?

Soon it was time to board my day-time flight to Heathrow.

The configuration in Business is a 'top and tail', so until they bring the dividers up you are facing someone. In my case a miserable lesbian. Her mantra during the whole flight was, "I don't want anything to eat". Interestingly she watched Chef on the in-flight movie.

For the 2nd time running at Heathrow the Fast-Track lane was not fast, because they only had 2 counters open. This time I chose not to huff and puff because the aforementioned lesbian was doing enough for the both of us.

After picking up my bags I headed for the unreasonably priced Heathrow Express. Only $34 for a 15 minute ride ... it's more expensive than Kings Cross (boom boom).

I half expected zombies to come out – the place was so empty. At Paddington I did my usual Marks and Spencer run. You don't understand the beauty of a sandwich in a triangular carton until you live in a place without them.

My hotel is in Kings Cross. As you can imagine it's a junkie's delight. As I checked in 'Kiss On My List' by Hall and Oates was playing. It will be days before I erase this from my brain.

Up in my < 100 sq' room I opened my suitcase to discover the jar of peach jam I had smuggled into the country had indeed smashed, leaving my underwear a wonderful peachy-glass mess.

Thursday, October 2

Galactically Dumb

This whole American obsession with fear of dying of SARS, Anthrax, Bird Flu, Ebola reached new heights this morning when on CNN they had a Dr answering viewer questions.

"Can my dog give me Ebola, he drools a lot."

Meanwhile there are more school shootings than weekly specials at WalMart.

Watch out for a news story combining ISIS with Ebola in the next week.