Friday, February 10

In-flight Entertainment

I'm going to go Tarantino and tell this story out of sequence.

After landing at Kona tonight we grabbed the shuttle to the car rental place.

The couple opposite us were so redneck even that jet-skiing banjo playing chump from the Prilosec commercials would think they were 'a bit common'.

They were further back in the plane than me and said that there was a general bad vibe in Economy for the length of the flight. The woman in the duo said it was the worst flight she'd been on. She said this before and after a story about a friend shooting himself in the foot. When she announced it was 'with a .22" her common-law husband (just a guess) said, "Oh that's not so bad".

On the airplane we were in row 4. Of a 2 x 2 business class. Row 3 was taken by a family of a hip mom and dad and 2 kids somewhere between 5 and 10 (I'm equally bad at the age of cars).

As they walked on the plane the mom was screaming into the phone. She hung up and glared at her husband and said, "They've screwed it all up. You'll have to deal with it from now on". He put his white Beats headphones on.

The mom who was quite fashionable was angrily telling the 5 years old girl across the aisle that she was very selfish for wanting both her iPad and iPhone. Yes, the 5-year old had both. The headphones were proving quite a tangled handful too. More tuts than an Egyptology conference ensued.

Still in a fit of pique over the kid, mom then took out an industrial-sized container of wipes and began wiping down every part of her and her son's leather seat. And I mean every part.

She then angrily told her husband to do the same. He used about 5 wipes but it wasn't enough for his wife who would be fucking angry (that's a high level of angry) for the next 5-6 hours.

"Did you wipe down the sides?"
"Yep"
"All the way down?"
"Yep"
What about the underside?"
"Yep"

Don't feel sorry for the guy. He was a colossal prick.

Next to feel the burn was our flight attendant. Pre-flight the fancy people get a drink while the people without a rare-earth metal status board the plane.

"Water", snapped the woman. "Bottled".
The flight attendant said they didn't have bottles.
"Then no ice" snapped the Lululemon and Versace sunglasses wearing woman.

2 minutes later the flight attendant returned with cups of water (no ice) and said the water was from a bottle.

"So you do have bottles" bitch-slapped the mom.
"Yes but they're big 1 litre bottles", defended the flight attendant

I asked for a Diet Coke, with ice, and with a smile.

The mom and dad started bickering over nothing and never showed any affection for each other or their douchy kids. Especially getting pissed off when the kids couldn't work out the relatively complex set of procedures you have to go through to play United's in-flight entertainment through the app!

As we took off, the mom started watching, "Bad Moms". She never laughed. Then again I watched it last month and I didn't either.

Of course as soon as the front wheel lifted all 4 of the twats reclined.

I started to watch Bridget Jones's Baby. This is the moment 38:40 in when it froze on me. I'm sure it was about to get funny.


When it was time for the meal the mom and dad rudely declined, then fed the kids coconut jerky.

Next the flight attendant asked the girl if she'd like something to drink. The kid said nothing, for 20 seconds, while the dad just stared at her. Finally the flight attendant spun round and walked back to the galley.

The coconut jerky was followed by lots of other snacks that they kept pulling from a suitcase in the overhead bin. Each time they'd block the aisle as the flight attendant tried to serve the rest of us drinks and 'food' - Anne got shrimp. On a plane?

As we descended into Hawaii the girl's ears must have started to hurt. She cried like an infant. The mom glared at her, while the dad said, "You've really got to get better at traveling". The kid continued to cry/scream. The dad continued to watch a basketball documentary.

I pitied the lady who met them at the airport.

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